Take Heart

Resourcing Yourself: Listening to Your Life as a Caregiver

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 4 • Episode 139

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In this first episode of season 4, Amy Brown kicks it off with a topic close to her heart: resourcing yourself as a caregiver. Amy shares her personal journey of learning to listen to her own life and prioritize self-care. Drawing from her experiences and the insights of women like Jennifer Dukes Lee and Taylor Elise Morrison, Amy explores the importance of asking ourselves questions like, “How am I contributing to my own chaos? Where am I feeling disconnected? Where do I need rest or space?” She suggests that finding moments of rest and joy, and letting go of the constant hustle and overwhelm can provide the resources you need to press on. Discover practical ways to resource yourself and create space for connection in your life as a caregiver. 

Ep. 139: August 8, 2023

Key Moments:

[1:46]The starting point for most people's self care isn't a purchase. 

[5:45] Situational strength (white-knuckling life) masks anxiety

[6:40] Are “The Overs” taking over?

[10:23] Asking ourselves questions is the perfect starting place


Resources:
Strong Like Water; Aundi Kolber

Sabbath: Wayne Muller 

Peace is a Practice: Morgan Harper Nichols 

Let Your Life Speak: Parker Palmer 

The Next Right Thing Podcast: Why Self Care isn’t Selfish 


If you enjoyed the show:




Amy J Brown: Welcome to Take Heart, a podcast about creating space for connection, hope and joy. As a mom to a child with disabilities or special needs, we want you to feel connected and encouraged as we navigate this messy, emotional and joy-filled life together. I'm Amy Brown and you're listening to episode 139. Welcome to season four of Take Heart. 
This month we are doing something different to kick off our fourth season. Usually we have a theme and we expand on it. But when we planned the content for this month, we decided that we were going to use this first month to be freestyle. We wanted to share with you what we are learning in our right now lives. 

So what am I learning? I'm learning to listen to my life. This past year has been busy. To be honest, every year is busy. But this year I graduated from grad school, published a book and navigated my child's mental health crisis all while running our household. I have also tried to be present in the life of my adult children. And for those of you with littles, let me tell you, adult kids need you more than you ever realize. I felt like I was running a marathon with no margin and no water breaks. 

Recently, I had a conversation with my small group. I shared with them a situation that I've been struggling with for a long time. These loving souls listened, they really listened to me. And instead of coming up with solutions, they asked me one question. Amy, what do you want?

To be honest, I could not name one thing that I wanted. I could name all kinds of solutions that would benefit other people, but nothing for myself. I could not name one thing I needed for me. Can you relate? When someone asks you how you are, do you stare blankly? Or how can I help? Or how about this question, what do you enjoy doing? Do you have answers to those questions?

Well, I'm learning to listen to my life instead of running to the next thing. In episode 276 of The Next Right Thing podcast Emily P Freeman asked her guest, Taylor, Elise Morrison about self care. And Taylor said the starting point for most people's self care isn't a purchase,it is with listening to themselves. I will put the link to that episode in our show notes. Let me read that again. The starting point for most people's self care isn't with a purchase, it is with listening to themselves. Really? I was listening to this on a walk and I stopped, literally in my tracks. Because 10 minutes on social media will give you so many opportunities to improve your life with one quick purchase.

When I feel overwhelmed, I'm convinced I need a new planner, another weight loss plan, one more book on prayer, or cute color coordinated bins to clean up and create space. Surely one of these will help me fix the problem. I am convinced improvement requires action or at least a purchase or two. Can you relate? But listening to myself first, that's new information to me. Here's the thing, I think I'm a good listener, but the person I often forget to listen to is me.

Taylor goes on to say, self-care is listening and responding in the most loving way possible. We all need to be well-resourced. And the reason we need to be well-resourced is so we can care for those in our life and have quality relationships and quality life. When we do not listen, we ignore obvious issues.

As a caregiver, you need to be well-resourced. I work with mentoring clients, and my goal is to help them work through what is hindering them from being well-resourced and help them learn how to resource themselves. This is marathon parenting. We cannot ignore what we need. I also work with a mentor, and the irony is not lost on me that my job is to help special needs moms find space to breathe, and I don't always do that well.
Recently, I was sharing a long list of all the things that were stressing me out with my mentor, Stacey. She stopped me and asked me this one question. How are you contributing to your own chaos? Okay, I will admit, initially I'm like, what are you talking about? I never contribute to my own chaos. The chaos is around me. I really pushed back.but I sat with that question, I knew in my heart that was the right question. It landed. 
The chaos or stress in my life is not just because I'm a mom of a kid with reactive attachment disorder, a mother to six, or have a busy schedule or whatever. Those circumstances do contribute to the overwhelming chaos, but we also contribute to our own chaos when we do not listen to our lives and name the thing that we need.

And after naming, we have to find ways to do what it takes to meet those needs in small doses. We need to be well-resourced. You would never want your child to go into classroom without all the resources he or she needed to thrive. You want your child to be well-resourced with treatments and medical resources. But we special needs moms walk into our lives without any of the resources we need.

In her book, Strong Like Water, Aundi Kolber writes about situational strength. By the way, if you haven't listened to my interview with her, you can listen to episode 137. It's a great interview, and I'll put the link in the show notes. Situational strength is the kind of strength that makes us buck up or white-knuckle life. We may outwardly appear strong, and this kind of strength does get us through a situation, and to everyone else around us, we may seem strong and in control. But this buck-up kind of strength leaves us anxious, high-strong, numb, and exhausted.

Aundi writes, you find ways to be strong, but it often comes at the cost of never finding and being yourself, the person you were created to be, the person God created you to be. I suspect that most of us live in situational strength. So what have I noticed as I've been listening to my life and how am I contributing to my own chaos?What keeps me firmly rooted in situational strength? Well, here's some things I've noticed. First of all, I'm learning that just because I handle something well does not mean it's not stressful to my nervous system.

Another visit to the hospital or a call from the school is something I do well. I've been doing it for years, but I often come away with a stressed nervous system. So I need to pay attention to that and give myself space to breathe and move.
Another thing I'm learning that contributes to my chaos is what I call the overs. When I am not listening to my life, the overs take over. Overthinking, overdoing, overworking, over learning. Are you familiar with the overs? Maybe your overs are different, overeating, overspending. When I'm not listening to my life, the overs come marching in. They're ready to save the day. The overs seem effective. But the overs, the busyness, the hustling, never deliver me though into a place of listening. When I engage in all the overs, the overthinking, the overworking, the over-stressing, I'm not listening to my life. I'm listening to the voice of scarcity and fear.

In her book, Growing Slow, Jennifer Dukes Lee  says this, we hustle and push because we want to fill the perceived gaps in God's plan for our life and our kids' life. In the midst of this hustling and pushing, we lose our perspective and peace. 

And it is easy for me to forget everything I have is because of God, not because of the overs. 

Friends, there are so many things we can't control. The future,our kids' diagnosis, whether the disability papers will come in the mail today. And there are so many things we spend all our time doing to make better, and those things may never improve. But by listening to our lives, we can tend to the things we know will help us be a resource, and we have control over those things.

I've been a parent for 30 years, and if I could go back and tell young Amy something, I would say this, calm down, slow down, and take a moment to breathe. This is a marathon. So please spend time resourcing yourself well. All of those late nights frantically Googling symptoms and treatments, that would have been better spent resting. All the time I worried about behavior I could not change, could have been better time spent at a coffee with a friend. Also the time I worried about next year, 10 years from now, I could have gotten out my yoga mat or taken a walk and just breathe. .I'm not saying you never Google symptoms, but can we at least give ourselves a portion of the time we spend in the overs taking care and well resourcing ourselves.

I want you to be at peace and I want you to be well rested and I want you to be nourished and hydrated in your life as a special needs mom and it starts with listening to your life. You know peace isn't just going to come we can't wait until everything's calm because as we know as special needs moms that day will probably never come.

In her book, Peace is a  Practice, Morgan Harper Collins writes, peace does not mean everything is perfect. Peace means you're able to find your breath and stay connected to your own life in the face of gritty realism.

When we fail to listen to our lives, we forget the truth of who we are, that we are God's beloved, and that he holds our life in his hands. We don't have to be in a hurry. We don't have to be engaged with the overs, the overthinking, the over-learning, the overdoing. In his book, Sabbath, Wayne Muller says, the world seduces us with an artificial urgency that requires us to respond without listening to what is most deeply true.

So how do we start listening?

Well, I think it starts with silence and paying attention and space. Give yourself a little space to ask questions. For example, you can ask, how am I contributing to my own chaos? Maybe the plan you had for today with all the errands and all the  phone calls doesn't need to be executed. If you're tired, maybe you can let some of that go. You can ask, what do I need today to be well resourced?


That may be drinking water, taking a nap, texting a friend. What do you need today to be well resourced? Another way you can listen to your life is asking these questions. 

Where am I feeling disconnected? 

Where do I need rest or space? And I also think it's important to ask what brings me joy and what drains me. By paying attention to what brings us joy and what drains us, we can figure out the things that resource us well.


How can you resource yourself well? It doesn't start with looking at a gym schedule, although that may be part of it. It starts with asking questions. Like I mentioned before, you can use those questions to help you, but maybe all you need to ask today is what do I need today? Maybe while resource means you don't look at your phone first thing, but instead you sit in the quiet with your coffee and breathe for 10 minutes. Maybe it means a book on a park bench with the sun on your face while your kids play.


instead of researching treatment options. It can look like sleep, it can look like laughter, spiritual practices, coffee with a friend. It doesn't have to be big. You can start small. I said it before and I'll say it again. I want you to be at peace. I want you to be well rested. And I want you to be nourished and hydrated. And it starts with listening to your life. So start today, take some space, be quiet and ask.


What is one small thing I can do to resource myself today?


If you would like to reach out to me, if you would like help with this, please reach out to me. I would  love to have a conversation with you. And if you're interested in mentoring, I can help you with this process. I'd like to end with Parker Palmer's, Let Your Life Speak, which is very appropriate for our topic. He says,” before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody and what values you represent.”


Thank you so much for listening today. Listen next week as Carrie shares what she's learning in her life.