Take Heart

Unanswered Prayers by Carrie M. Holt

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 2 • Episode 76

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What do you do when God doesn’t answer your prayers the way you desire? Sometimes these situations cause us to believe lies about God. In today’s episode, through Carrie’s personal story you will learn how to recognize the lies and what to do about them.

March 8, 2922; Ep. 76

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:00-    Intro
  • 1:30-    Spiritual Battle
  • 2:40-    Is God Good?
  • 6:38-    Recognizing Lies
  • 8:51-    Resources
  • 10:15-  Combatting The Lies
  • 13:28-  Meet You In Your Grief
  • 16:42-  Reflection   

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Carrie M Holt  0:00  
Welcome to Episode 76 of Take Heart. I'm so glad you're here. If something that we have mentioned in the podcast has encouraged you, can you do us a favor? If you listen to our podcast on Apple podcasts, can you leave us a review? you can find all of our information about our newsletter, resources, and a transcript of this episode on our website, at takeheartspecialmoms.com Let's get started.

(1:31)  Hi, there, it's Carrie M. Holt today, and this month we're talking about the lies that we believe as special needs moms. Make no mistake, my friend, we are in a spiritual battle because when we believe certain things, it then affects our decisions, our behavior, and repeated behavior becomes our habits. Ephesians 6 reminds us, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day." In the Garden of Eden, God created perfect harmony and relationship between Adam and Eve, but also between Adam and Eve and God. He walked with them and talk with them, but when Satan came in, he caused them to doubt God's goodness for them, and he has been doing it ever since today is about believing the lie that God is not good, and that his plans are not good for us. 

(2:40)  While I was pregnant with our son, Toby, after we learned about his Spina Bifida, I began to read a book about different parts of that diagnosis. My son was born with something called a Chiari II Malformation in the brain. Basically, in layman's terms, that just means that certain parts of the brain are not normally shaped and not normal-sized. It listed a bunch of symptoms in this book about something called a Chiari crisis. These were things like a weak cry, stridor, which is making noise when you're breathing,  apnea, whether that's like a central apnea controlled by the brain, or obstructive apnea in the airway, feeding and swallowing disorders, reflux, and lastly, failure to thrive or like gain weight. It talked about how some of these infants will have evidence of vocal cord paralysis, and possibly also need a tracheostomy. I was fairly familiar with a trach, a ventilator, and a feeding tube because our closest friend's oldest son was the same age as our oldest son about four years old at the time, and he had all of those things. I had a small glimpse into how difficult that life was, and I knew I didn't want it. After reading about this Chairi crisis, I began to pray while I was still pregnant, that our son would not have this. I prayed very hard and long about that. Then after he was born, he went into respiratory failure, and all the things that were listed in that book about a Chiari crisis happened to my baby. It was devastating. At the time, I feel like I accepted it very quickly because we just had to. We were forced to. We were in the ICU. We were having to make life-altering decisions for our baby on a daily basis. I really didn't have much time to grieve. We had our medically fragile baby in the hospital and our two toddler boys at home, and I didn't really have time to process it and life just moved on. Through the years I would tell that story to people, and I would tell how I read that book. I would say how good God was that he had prepared me ahead of time for those things. I sincerely believe he did. I know you've heard me say this before that I'm one of these people who like to know what to expect, and I believe God took that into account and that he did prepare my heart for what was going to come, that I wasn't completely surprised when our son had a Chiari crisis. Through the years, I have not been able to tell that story without a lot of tears and emotion. Now, that's not uncommon for me, but one of the things that I've learned about the lies that we believe and the trauma that we live through, and processing our stories, is that we need to pay attention to the stories that you cannot tell without strong emotions, or just the visceral response in your body because your body holds memory. Last fall, after realizing this, and after some probing questions from a mentor of mine, was when I truly realized that I had not grieved that, truly down deep in my soul. Deep down in my soul, I felt betrayed by God. I believe that he had done me wrong, and in some ways that He couldn't be trusted. That I didn't need to pray for what I wanted, because he already has his mind made up, and he's going to say no, anyway. Honestly, my prayer life, in some ways, has not been as consistent as it should be because I have believed the lie that God has betrayed me because he answered my prayers as "no", over 15 years ago, related to this situation. 

(6:37)  So how do we recognize the lies that we are believing? Don't worry, I'll get back to my story in just a few minutes. How do we recognize the lies? Adam Young in his podcast,  The Place We Find Ourselves discusses these as agreements that we make in episode 43. I would really encourage you to go and listen to that episode, and I'll put a link in the show notes. One of the ways that we can recognize these lies or agreements that we've made is that we need to look to our places of trauma and heartache, a place where you were betrayed, or you felt betrayed, that you felt orphaned, widowed, or hurt. What do those things cause you to believe about yourself and about God? In those moments, when things are not processed properly, we make these agreements or we are young, and we don't have the mental capacity to process these things, so we start to believe certain things about ourselves, or about the world to avoid future pain and to protect ourselves. One of the ways that you can recognize the lies that you might be believing is to look to those places of trauma or heartache. Secondly, pay attention to the things that you say repeatedly, the things that come to life, maybe when you're in an argument or a conflict, or when pain comes up. These things that are coming up over and over again, have roots into usually pain and heartache and can help give you some clues about the things that you believe about yourself or others. Lastly, I would encourage you to pay attention to the places in your heart that don't seem to change or behaviors that you're stuck in. Maybe it's that you're not able to put your phone down, or you don't feel like you should take time for self-care, because you don't deserve it. Maybe on the flip side, it's eating a lot of sweets, because you've had a hard day and you deserve it, because you've been through some hard things, and it's your way of escaping. 

(8:51) So I want to mention several resources that I've been using in the last couple of years to dive into my story of origin and also to gain the tools to recognize the lies, and then also to combat the lies that I believe. I've already mentioned, Adam Young's podcasts, but in episodes 41 through 47, he talks about spiritual warfare, and it's really accessible, meaning he puts it in terms that are explainable. I think when you listen to it, you'll go oh, my goodness, I can't believe this is some things that I have been believing. They are truly fantastic. Another podcast and again, I'll put these links in the show notes is the Allender Center podcast by Dr. Dan Allender. Then there's also a book called Redeeming Heartache, by Dr. Dan Allender and Cathy Loerzel. Also, a book called To Be told. It's about writing your story of origin and looking into some of the pain and heartache even from your childhood. That book and the workbook that goes with it were also written by Dr. Dan Allender. Lastly, I'd like to mention that the Allender Center also offers story workshops that can help you work through these stories of trauma, pain, and heartache, and then some of the agreements and the lies that we believe out of that pain and heartache, and how to work through that. 

(10:15)  So how did I work through that lie that I had been betrayed by God because he did not answer my prayer? First of all, I had to be willing to pay attention to my body and the strong feelings that were coming up, the grief that would come up every time I told that story. I will tell you, it is not easy to dive into our pain and grief, and sometimes, we do have to go backward to move forward. I do not agree with the quote that we should never live in the past because sometimes, going into the past and digging into our stories are necessary for healing. Pay attention to your body and pay attention to the reoccurring themes and the things that you say, and the thoughts that you have. Maybe sometimes it's not even coming out of your mouth., but it's the reoccurring thoughts and beliefs that are in your mind. Then secondly, be willing to dive into your past, to write out your story. Maybe you're not a writer, but it's better to say it, but honestly, through all of the story training that I've been through, and the podcasts that I've listened to, it is really important to write out your story, not in a disconnected way, but as if you're in that moment with your emotions. The To Be Told study talks about using your five senses, what did you hear, see, smell, feel, or even taste in those moments?  And again, I would encourage you, if you want to dive into this deeper, to reach out to me through email, and I will help you if I can, but also to visit those resources that I've mentioned already. Sometimes this rewriting does take several times. A lot of times, we just will narrate a story, and we don't really put ourselves in the middle of it with our emotions. It does take some time and willing to process this. Thirdly, I think it is important for us to be willing to admit what we're actually feeling, admitting and naming what we're feeling that I felt betrayed. Being willing to grieve those feelings of betrayal, even though in my mind, I know that God cannot betray me, in my heart that's what I was feeling because he did not answer my prayer in the way that I wanted. I will tell you that I sang, I wrote out scripture, I read the Psalms, I cried and prayed. Fourthly, the last step is to share your story with a counselor, a mentor, or someone who has been trained to help you process your pain, to process your story. I mentioned those resources earlier, and one of the big resources is the Allender Center has story workshops in the spring and in the fall, where you can bring a story of pain. There are very amazing well-trained counselors, and people who have also been trained through the Allender center to help you process these stories of pain. Those are just four ways that I worked through this lie.

(13:29) Lastly, just allow God to meet you in your grief, and to show you how he is there for you, to show you how much he cares for you. When I finally was just grieving through the story, it led me to Scripture, and it led me to this truth. Yes, even though he did not give me the answer to my prayer the way I wanted, it didn't mean that he wasn't there, and it didn't mean he didn't care. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have a plan, have a plan for you, and have a plan for me. God is omniscient, and that's just a fancy word that means he knows everything, and that He exists in the past, present and future. He sees all and like we've talked about before on this podcast, he's weaving a tapestry. We only see the back of the tapestry with the threads and the loose colors that don't seem to mix together, but he sees the front and the perfect, beautiful creation that he is making. Have you ever wondered about how God knew? If God is omniscient, he knew that Adam and Eve would sin. He knew what the effects of sin would look like because he can see into the future. He also knew that he would have to send his only Son, Jesus to die and suffer an excruciating death on the cross. Yet he still chose it. Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all. How will He not also with Him graciously give us all things." The verse before that says, "If God is for us who can be against us?" The verse after says, "Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies." If God loves me that much, if God loves you that much that he still chose the path to create man knowing that he would send and knowing the sacrifice that it would require, I can trust him. For the very first time as I processed the story, those truths sank into my heart, and I pray that they sink into your heart today. Sam Crabtree says in his book Practicing Affirmation, "He, (meaning Jesus) did not spill his blood for the church because she was worth it. His blood spilled for her establishes her worth." I want you to know that you are worthy today, that you have worth in value, and do not believe the lies that the devil tries to tell you that you don't. He desires a relationship with you and me. Sometimes we may not always understand the reason why our prayers are answered the way that they are, but I can promise you that His grace is sufficient. I have seen many ways that he has able to use this path, the road less traveled of a trach, a ventilator, and a feeding tube for his glory. But I can't go into it into the podcast today because it would take too long. 

(16:42)  In closing, I would just like to ask you. What lies are you struggling with today? What hurt or pain do you need to grieve? Will you take one small step towards healing today? I want to close with words from a song that have helped me in my grief, to continue to go back to God and take my griefs and take the lies that I've believed in him because he's a loving Heavenly Father who has his arms wide open, and he wants you to run to him. "I've carried a burden for far too long. I wasn't created to bear it alone. I hear your invitation to let it all go. I see it now. I'm laying it down. And I know that I need you. You saw my condition, had a plan from the start. Your son for redemption, the price for my heart. I don't have a context for that kind of love. I don't understand, I can't comprehend. All I know is I need you." May I encourage you with a chorus of this song? "I run to the Father, I fall into grace. I'm done with the hiding. No reason to wait. My heart needs a surgeon. My soul needs a friend. So I'll run to the father again and again, and again and again." May you run to the father today with all that's in your heart and lay the lies down that you're believing about yourself and about God. Grieve them and not allow him to replace those lies with the truth. Amen.