Take Heart

Identity Theft: Remembering Who You Are with Amy J. Brown

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 101

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We are kicking off this month’s theme on identity. In this episode, Amy J. Brown is talking about identity theft, not the kind that causes us to cancel our credit cards, but the type that causes us to forget who we are. Listen in as she asks some poignant questions and walks listeners through an excellent practice to help us remember where our identity comes from. 

October 4, 2022; Ep. 101

Show Links:

Show Takeaways: 

  • [3:07] Listen in as Amy shares a personal story of how she allowed the label “bad mom” to impact her parenting and the steps she took to remove that label.
  • [5:07] Discover the main thing that defines you as a mom and child of God. 
  • [7:52] Learn the three things you can do today, to protect yourself from identity theft. 

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Amy J. Brown  0:09 
Welcome to Season 3 of Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes and share inspiring stories, our desire is for you to feel connected and encouraged. All of our resources, including an entire written transcript of this episode, is available on our website at www.takeheartspecial moms.com. There are also quick links to anything we mentioned in the show notes of this episode. Thank you for joining us today.

[1:00] Hi, I'm Amy J. Brown, and I'm so glad you're with me today. Have you ever been the victim of identity theft? You open up your account, and you notice that somebody's buying something you didn't buy, like cat food, or video games. Both those things have happened to me, and it sets you into a panic, doesn't it? Sometimes the theft goes on for a while, and we haven't noticed it, and there's a lot of damage that's been done. It involves calling the bank and going through the hassle of canceling all your credit cards, and it is no fun. Today I want to talk about identity theft, not the kind that causes us to cancel our credit cards, but the type that causes us to forget who we are. So let's start there. Who are you? If you and I met for lunch, and I asked you to tell me all about yourself, what would you say? I would tell you that I'm a mom to six, three adopted and three biological. I'm a special needs mom. I may tell you that I grew up on a farm in Indiana, and I currently live in Michigan. If we had more time to share, I tell you how I met my husband and other things about my life. You have your list too. But what if we went deeper, and I asked you to tell me who you are deep down: the names and labels you give yourself or others have given you? What would you say then? First of all, this would be taking our lunch meeting to a deeper and possibly more uncomfortable level. How do you describe yourself or how do you define yourself? You may say, "I'm a bad mom, or maybe I'm a really good mom." Maybe you describe yourself by your failures, ignoring all the times you did a great job. Would you tell me things about yourself that others have said about you? Like you're lazy or uptight or too much. All of these labels are not the true you. They are not who you are. They are a form of identity theft. These words, labels, and stories we tell about ourselves, or what others say about us become our fake identity, and they steal from us the ability to see who we really are.

[3:07] Let me give you an example from my own life. For years, I was raising my kids with reactive attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, and severe behavioral problems, I assumed I was a bad mom because I couldn't control the behavior. I was told by others that the problem was mine. What's going on at home? Maybe you're not giving her enough attention. Or have you tried XYZ? All of those comments were indications that my parenting was lacking. That the problem was me. I actually got an email from a person who I thought was a support person. This email said that I was a bad mom, and probably not even a Christian because of my child's behavior. Here's the kicker, I got this email on my birthday. Now, I will give you a minute to be mad on my behalf because that email was cruel and unfair. But if I'm being honest, I also said those kinds of things about myself. I took on the narrative of a bad mom, because my child, due to her disability, had a lot of negative behavior. I was also given a narrative by those in my life that love changes everything, and if you adopt a child from trauma, your love will heal all wounds. After each negative experience with out-of-control behavior, I assumed I was the one at fault. I was not loving enough. I let that define who I was. And that caused me to try harder and to feel shame. Let me say very clearly if you are a mom with a child with reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, a child that comes from trauma or any of the disabilities that cause negative behavior, I want you to listen to me. Your child's behavior does not define you. I'm going to say that one more time. Your child's behavior does not define you. I want to make sure you hear that from me. No one else may understand it, but I do I see you. I do not want you to let that false identity define you.

[5:07] Maybe your identity is your role as a good, attentive special needs mom, and nothing is getting by on your watch. This may play out in your life by working harder and scanning for the next emergency. It manifests itself in narratives of what you think, or what you've been told defines a good mom. A good mom never misses therapy, never gets discouraged, mad, frustrated, fill in the blank, and never makes a mistake. Friends, that good mom identity is a heavy load to carry, but we all carry it. Let me give you an example of this. Recently, I had a conversation with a young mom about bedtimes. She's a mom with four kids eight and under, and bedtime had become a nightmare. The kids are up a lot and they'd fallen into some negative patterns so she sought out my advice. I gave her some strategies to help. But in the midst of this conversation, she started crying and said, "If I put these boundaries in place, I'm afraid they will think I do not love them, and that I am not a good mom." Now, I was so surprised by this because she is one of the most loving mothers I know, and her kids are delightful, and they love her. But a conversation about the logistics of bedtime turned into a moment of shame around the identity of being a good mom. She had written a narrative about what a good mother should be, and it was causing her stress. Now I could recognize this in my friend, but I don't always recognize it in myself. About a week later, I was sitting on a bench by the lake talking to my friend, and I was in tears. I was talking about my own dilemma. One of my adult kids wanted me to go somewhere with him, and I was not sure I could do it. I have always made being available a high priority because I think I feel guilty about some of the trauma the older kids went through in our home, living with reactive attachment disorder siblings. I cannot always be there for them. Wow, I wanted to make it up to them. Now this is good and noble, but I had made it into my identity, I set a good mom who is always available. I will always be available; that is how they will know that I love them. I actually said to my friend, I can't attend this event, and I do not want him to think I'm not there for him or supportive of him. I was doing what my young friend in the earlier example did. I was letting my identity of what a good mom should define me and make me feel like a failure. I'm here to tell you, my friend, special needs mom, good or bad, whatever expectations and stories you put around a role is not who you are. Do not be a victim of identity theft. Do not let those things define you and tire you out, as you try to live up to the expectations these identities require. Your true identity and the main thing that defines you is that you are God's beloved.

[7:52] So how do we do this? How do we protect ourselves from identity theft? Number one, practice self-compassion. In her book, I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet, Shauna Niequist says, "Self-compassion is letting yourself off the hook, letting yourself be human, flawed, and also amazing. It is giving yourself credit for showing up instead of beating yourself up for taking so long to get there." So how can you show yourself kindness and self-compassion in those moments when you're trying to live up to an unrealistic identity? Sometimes it just takes noticing the narratives you've attached to the definitions of yourself. It takes being a friend to yourself and saying, "What would I tell my friend in this situation?" What would you say to a friend who said I'm a bad mom because fill in the blank? Be a friend of yourself. Practice self-compassion.

[8:42] The second is to know yourself. Sometimes we get so caught up in our roles as special needs parents, with our lives, focused on our kids, that we lose ourselves. This is not an excuse, no matter how busy you are as a mom, not to get to know who God made you to be. I have six kids and not one of them is alike; they're each unique.  God made you uniquely you. Let that be what you know. In his book, After Doubt, Dr. A.J. Swoboda says this, "What if our knowledge of our whole selves is part of the knowledge of the holy, and part of loving God is knowing ourselves as God's handiwork? This kind of self-knowledge helps us grow. It helps us to know we are beloved. St. Augustine said in the confessions. "Grant Oh Lord, that I might know myself that I may know thee."  So get to know yourself. 

[9:39] Number three, know who God says you are. God loves us. He delights over us and loves us with everlasting love. The Bible is filled with references to His love for us as His children. If you want to know more about who God says you are, go listen to Sara in episode 40, where she talks about guilt. I do not want you to be a victim of identity theft. So I'm going to invite you to a small practice. Now you may be saying, I don't have time for this. Okay? If you're driving, obviously, don't do it, or if you have to do something with your kids, go do that thing with your kids. But I do think it's an important work. I would like you to come back to this practice. It takes a lifetime to know who we are. When we give voice to our hurt, and what narratives define us, we can be free from the grip on our lives and our identities. So take a minute for this practice. 

[10:36] First of all, let's not be distracted. Sometimes when I need to really pay attention, and I'm distracted, I'll take a piece of paper, and I'll write down everything. I'll put a timer for 30 seconds, and write down everything. This is a mental download, where you write everything down that you have to do: like make an appointment, go to the grocery, what's for dinner, what am I going to do about that hotel reservation a year from now? All those things, just take a minute or write everything down so we can enter into this practice. Okay, once you've done that, we're going to practice a breath prayer. I'd like you to breathe in and say, "I am." Breathe out. "God's beloved." Breathe in. "I am." Breathe out. "God's beloved." Breathe in. "I am." Breathe out: "God's beloved." Now I'd like you to sit with these questions. What labels have I given myself? What labels have others given me? What labels are not mine to carry? How can I show myself compassion in these areas? This will not be easy work, but it is a worthy work. If you need help walking through this practice, please reach out to me on our website at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com or on Instagram. I would love to help you recognize the way you carry these false identities. I would love to hear your story. I want to end with a quote from James Bryan Smith from The Good and Beautiful God. I've said it on this podcast before, and I'll say it again because I love it so much. "I am one in whom Christ dwells and delights. I live in the unshakable kingdom of God. The kingdom is not in trouble, and neither am I." Thank you for joining us this week. We'll see you next week.