Take Heart

The Foundation of Our Identity: By Carrie M. Holt

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 102

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Who are we, really? What labels have we allowed to define us? What would it mean to trade these labels for something better? This month, we are talking about identity. In this episode, Carrie Holt shares about her own struggles with identity, especially as a mom and the very practical ways that she redirects comparison. Listen in to be encouraged in your own struggle with misplaced identity.

October 11, 2022; Ep. #102

Show Links:

  • You Are Special by Max Lucado
  • Scriptures Mentioned: Isaiah 43:1; II Cor. 10:12

Show Takeaways: 

  • [4:07] Listen in as Carrie shares about the labels that we use to define us. 
  • [6:21] Discover practical tips to overcome comparison.
  • [10:28] Learn about placing our true identity in God’s hands.

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Carrie M Holt  0:09 
Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is for you to feel connected and encouraged. If anything you hear today would inspire your friend, would you please share our podcasts with them? All of our resources, including an entire written transcript of this episode, is available on our website www.takeheartspecialmom.com. There are also links to anything we mention in the show notes of this episode. Thank you for joining us today.

[1:02] Hello, there, it's Carrie M. Holt today for those of you who are listening for the first time. Welcome. This month we are talking about identity. I am going to start with a story because stories are my favorite. This one just so happens to perfectly match with the theme for this month. And it's from Max Lucado's children's book entitled You Are Special. Let me give you a little bit of background about the story. The story tells about a village of wooden people called Wemmicks, who are always giving each other dots or stars depending on how badly they behaved (that was the dots) or how well they behaved or looked (those were the stars). The main character Punchinello really struggles with this because he's always getting a lot of dots. There are a lot of things he can't do well, and his paint is always chipped. Then one day he meets a character named Lucia. She doesn't have any stickers (dots or stars) on her body, and he is amazed by her joy. Her secret is that every day she goes to spend time with their Creator, who is Eli, the woodcarver. He decides to go too, and I'm going to pick up where Punchinello walks into Eli's wood carving shop. 
"Punchinello how good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you." 
Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman. "You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked. 
"Of course I do. I made you." Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he looked at the gray dots. "Looks like you've been given some bad marks." 
"I didn't mean to Eli, I really tried hard." 
Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think." 
"You don't? "
"You shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think, and I think you are pretty special." 
Punchinello laughed, "Me, special. Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?" 
Eli looked at Punchinello and spoke very slowly, "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me." 
Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this, much less his maker. He didn't know what to say. 
"Every day. I've been hoping you'd come, " Eli explained. 
"I came because I met someone who had no marks. Why don't the stickers stay on her? 
The maker spoke softly, "because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them." 
"What?" 
"The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers." 

[4:07] So in this book, Punchinello is really struggling with finding his identity. He thinks it's based on how many stickers or dots that he receives: praise or criticism. Then he learns his identity is not based on either of those things, but on spending time with his Creator. Identity is where we find our value and worth. It is often shaped by our life experiences, the hard things we've been through, how we think, outside influences that tried to define who we are, what and who we're listening to, and our story of origin or how we were raised. When I was pregnant with my son, who was prenatally diagnosed with Spina Bifida. When we learned about his diagnosis, I remember thinking, I don't want to be a special needs mom. I don't want that label. I don't want to be identified in that category. I already knew just a little bit about what that life was like, I knew it was hard, difficult, and from the outside looking in, sometimes it seemed almost impossible. Sometimes our labels become our identity. How would you label yourself or describe yourself? Your roles? Are you a caregiver, an advocate, or a fighter? Are you strong, or weak? I'm not saying all of those labels or roles are negative, we certainly have to wear many hats for our kids. The trouble comes when we're relying on what we do for our satisfaction, or for what others say about us for our identity. What happens when your child has a behavioral meltdown, ends up suspended from school, or is in the hospital for an extended period of time, and your world is completely turned upside down? What if your child is no longer with you? Maybe because they've moved out, or maybe it's a sibling who's gone away from home. If our entire identity is wrapped up in our children, or our roles, when life changes or more storms come, we will sink. Our identity has to be built on a sure foundation. 

[6:21] This is easier said than done. I know that it takes baby steps. I'm not encouraging you to make this complete overhaul. Just take some small steps toward basing your identity on the sure foundation of Jesus Christ. So what is something practical that we can do on a daily basis? The first thing that I think about is to stop playing the game of comparison. It's one we can't win. In our fictional story, Punchinello only felt good when others were giving him stars, then he felt bad when he was receiving dots. Whether we are elevating ourselves because we think we're better than others and we're doing life correctly, or we're berating ourselves because we think we're doing it wrong. Both our pride because the focus is on ourselves. There's a verse in II Corinthians 10:12, where Paul talks about classifying, comparing, and measuring ourselves by one another. Do you know what it says? It says that it is not wise. Personally, this is a struggle that I have had my entire life. Often in my mind, I'm comparing or classifying myself. Am I measuring up to what another person looks like? What they're doing? One small thing that I have learned to do in recent years, as God has continually been rooting out this comparison in my mind and heart is when I look at someone else, and I'm asking these questions, am I better than her? Am I worse than her? Maybe I should do things that way? Or I'm condemning someone else for what they're doing? First of all, I try to take the small step of praying and asking for forgiveness, especially if I'm being judgmental, and asking God to help me take every thought captive to His truth. Then I think of an affirmation for myself, or for them, depending on what my thoughts are at the time. How am I reflecting God's goodness in me or how is that person reflecting God's goodness? 

[8:32] Avoiding comparison also requires trusting that God has placed to where he has placed you, in this point in time, in your family, in your circumstances, for a purpose, and a reason. God can redeem everything, even our wrong choices. He's asking you to faithfully carry out the tasks that he has called you to do. Remember to be faithful to what God has called you to, not what God has called me to do, not your friend, not your spouse, but you. I know this is easier said than done. A lot of times, if you're anything like me, you just want this set of rules. You just want God to tell you exactly what to do. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes it's a little bit vague and discerning God's will for our lives and the tasks that are laid before us can feel like a zigzag pattern on our path and on our journey in life. It requires trust and us relying on the Holy Spirit, which I think is the whole point. Maybe you had grand dreams for your career, your life, and your family. And now they haven't quite turned out as you thought. Maybe your only role right now is caring for your child and your family. Then do that. What better way to shine a light in the darkness for the kingdom of God than to care for what God has asked you to care for faithfully? Instead of thinking I have to do this, I think I get to do this. I'm not saying this role isn't exhausting and difficult and I'm really not trying to downplay that. I know that the days when I approach my role with the thought that this is my privilege, instead of my duty, and that God has given me these gifts, I certainly have more joy. 

[10:28] Then lastly, where do we find our identity? We find our value and worth from God, not from others, not from the own voices in our head that are shaming us or telling us certain things, but only God. This is a journey, taking one step at a time. I heard a pastor say this summer, "The one who designed you is the only one who has the power to define you." Allowing God to shape our identity requires time and trust, just like the character in our story. I used to believe that God really only favored those who were doing everything right. Now, I wouldn't have said that phrase out loud. If you would have asked me if that's what I believed, I would have denied it. But it was clear in my thoughts and actions. I have been on a personal journey of allowing God to change my thinking about myself and others. It takes time and patience. Honestly, sometimes it's painful to root out our false beliefs. God is so patient, and God is so kind. It is his kindness that brings us to repentance. You know what? The ultimate goal of that repentance is just closer and renewed relationship with Jesus Christ. Most importantly, letting God define your value means that we have to spend time with him and know what he thinks about us. Psalm 139 is a great place to start. It's also trusting him enough to share our hearts with him too.  

[12:02] In closing I want to go back to the story and highlight these impactful words. " Why don't the stickers stay on her? Punchinello asked his Maker. The maker spoke softly, "because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them. The more you trust my love, the less you care about what they think." How are you doing at trusting God's love? Who are you listening to the most? You are his child and you matter to him. The more you spend time with the person who gave his life for your redemption, the less you will care about what others think. You will begin to understand your true value and have an identity that is founded on the rock of Jesus Christ. Isaiah 43:3 says this, "He who created you, O Jacob, he who formed your Israel, Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine."