Take Heart

Changing How We Persevere Through Life’s Challenges with Amy J. Brown

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 109

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How do you keep going when life is relentlessly hard? What can be done to persevere when the diets, exercise, and ‘better’ systems have not succeeded? Listen in as Amy shares some well-earned advice she has learned through her journey. Learn to change HOW you persevere through the ups and downs of parenting a child with disabilities or behavioral needs. 

January 3, 2023; Ep. #109

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Show Takeaways: 

  • [3:40] Strategies for pressing forward and resetting ideals for home and family.
  • [6:08] Discover what it means to ‘lengthen the pause’ and how it can give you the freedom you have been searching for!
  • [8:51] The power of lament, and its connection to perseverance

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Amy J. Brown  0:09  
Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is for you to feel connected and encouraged. All of our resources, including an entire written transcript of this episode is available on our website www.takeheartspecialmoms.com. Thank you for joining us today.

[1:03] Hi, this is Amy Brown, and I'm so glad you're listening today. Recently, a listener asked us how can we continue to press forward in our life as special needs moms? I've been thinking about that question. I can remember many times when all I did was press on, when I had all six kids at home, and I was juggling the needs of six very unique people, from teenagers to toddler, while also dealing with the severe behavioral problems of a child with reactive attachment disorder and fetal alcohol syndrome. There were periods of life that I put one foot in front of the other and kept going. During an especially stressful time, one of the most challenging times of our parenting life, we had alarms on the doors, because I had a child that would run away or get up in the night and steal. I had locked up all the knives and the sharp objects. I was fielding what seemed to be like daily calls from the school, all the while trying to parent, love, teach and feed this busy family. Did I press on? You bet I did. But it came at a cost to my body and my soul. Can you relate? 

[2:07] There are all kinds of ways to press forward. Some are healthy, and some are not so healthy. Sometimes we push past fatigue, get out of bed, and keep going. We advocate. We stay up late searching for answers. Often we push forward out of fear fear of the future or the worst-case scenario. Maybe you keep pushing forward because of comparison. You see another child with the same diagnosis that's doing better than yours, and you think 'What am I doing wrong?' How can I make the situation better? Maybe you push forward because of guilt? That constant reoccurring message that rings in our ears? Am I doing enough? Am I enough? We keep going. We get up? Do we even have a choice? Really? Yes, we do. Now I'm not saying you gotta quit all the things you do, but you can choose how you press on. For years, I have continued to keep going. I have tried better systems, diets, and exercise to keep my weary body moving and improve my sleep patterns. I've researched better treatments for my child and all the things that come with being a special needs mom. I often have women ask me, how are they supposed to keep going when life is relentlessly hard, when the physical and emotional toil is wearing them down. I often tell them, well, we have to have strategies to help us live this life because it is a marathon, not a sprint. 

[3:32] Here are a few strategies that I share with other moms that I mentor that have helped me. Actually, I wish I had known them sooner. First, lower your bar; you do not have to do everything. Now for a high-achieving idealist. This is a very hard pill for me to swallow. For example, if you have a child with behavioral issues, you do not have to correct every single behavioral issue. Pick one or two. I wish I had known this a long time ago; it would have saved me a lot of heartache. There's a period in the third, fourth and fifth grades when our daughter was stealing consistently. I didn't know at the time while I was starting to understand that  actually this behavior came out of trauma. I kept trying to fix it. My fear was telling me if you don't get a handle on the stealing, she was going to end up in jail. This is a common fear for parents of kids with behavioral issues. What's going to be in the future if they're stealing now? What are we going to do when they're grown up? Finally, after trying everything, and she continued to steal, I just decided to let it go in our home and with the school. Every time she stole, I would just say it's not okay to steal and move on. When the school called with another report, I did the same thing. As I said, I wish I would have known earlier that I didn't have to address and fix every behavior. That is a completely impossible ideal. I will say she has a lot of issues. Though she's 19, but she is not a stealer. So there! I'm glad that I stepped back, it was just causing way too much stress to have to address every single behavioral problem. Other ways we can lower our bar is simple meals, maybe you need to have a messier house. How about when the neuro psych evaluation comes back with 20 pages of ways you can help your child, you just pick one or two. Look around you look at your life and say, 'how can I make this simpler?' How can I lower the expectations I have for myself and my home, so I can feel more rested and at peace? Often I get pushback when I advise people to do this. I think it's because we have this idea that we must be super moms and do everything. We are not supposed to be super moms. I suspect if you sat down and prayed about this, you would realize that behind all that doing is fear or guilt. Friend, we don't want those to be the emotions that drive our lives. How can you lower the bar? I promise you it's worth it. In 10 years from now, your kids won't remember that you had cereal for dinner on a regular rotation, they will remember a mom that was peaceful and present. 

[6:06] The next strategy is to lengthen the pause. This is something I am continually working on. As special needs moms, we often tend to work out of a scarcity mindset, we think we will not have enough time or resources. So, we have to solve all the problems right now. I am very guilty of this. For example, when the school calls with issues for my daughter or son, my thought process would go like this. I would get the call, I would get the report of what was happening. I would immediately feel like I was the one that had to solve it, come up with solutions,  call the therapist. Basically, the school would call, and I was off to the races solving, worrying, and overthinking. Here are some steps that are helping me lengthen the pause between a situation that occurs and when I choose to act. Let's use the example of the school calling. When the school calls with a report, the first thing you do is stop and pause and notice what is happening. Next, you name what you are feeling. Maybe you're feeling guilty, or overwhelmws or shame. Number three, you take a breath. This is the pause part. You take a breath, you pray, you walk around the block. After you have taken that pause, then you name some possible courses of action. How are you going to respond, maybe you will end up calling the therapist, or maybe you don't need to. Finally, do choose an action and do it in review. Notice what is happening, name what you are feeling, pause, choose an action, and then do that action. Often. If we can do this, we may find out that we did not even need to act. We just needed to pause and that pause gave us the opportunity to breathe. 

[7:51] Number three, and this is probably the least popular. Feel all the fields. Often we push forward to avoid feeling our hurt emotions. Who wants to deal with all the grief and the pain, and the anger? Well, no one does, but stuffing our feelings is very unhealthy. Brene Brown says you can't just numb the negative emotions. When you numb the pain, you also numb the joy. I often hear moms say to me, "I don't want to dwell on those feelings. If I let myself feel the grief, I'm afraid it will swallow me up." In Christian circles. We avoid hard feelings because we have this idea it is not, well, very Christian. I say to you, have you ever read the Psalms? David, a man after God's own heart had a lot to say about his difficult feelings. In his book, Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer says this. "Telling the truth about the dark helps us stay in the light." One tool that I have found very helpful is the practice of lament. I know that sounds really terrible, but stay with me here. I heard about this practice while I was in grad school. Our teacher J. R. Briggs shared this, and I can tell you it has been transformative for me. It's also been helpful to the others I've shared it with. The basic principle is that we lament. We write out or speak out a lament. A lament is a healthy tool. It's a prayer or a posture that helps us navigate our suffering. For example, read the Psalms like Psalm 13. Psalm 13, is a lament. It asks God why, how long before you act? You can read Psalm 13 and pattern your own lament after the Psalm, or you can find a quiet place and ask these three questions. What has been taken away from me in this season? That is your prayer of lament. What has not been taken away from me in this season? That is your prayer of presence. What has been given to me in this season? That is your prayer of gratitude. Find a quiet place to lament, and remember that Jesus is with you in this. We can practice lament courageously and honestly. I cannot begin to tell you how helpful it has been for me to allow myself to lament. It has helped me move forward. 

[10:06] Number four, find what brings you joy. As I said, this life as a special needs mom is a marathon, not a sprint. So what brings you joy? Often when I ask the moms I mentor, they can't think of one thing. Notice what makes your heart lift. For me, it's outside, and it doesn't have to be big; it can be small. Start noticing those moments and put them into your day. 

[10:30] Finally, as we continue to press forward in a way that honors God and ourselves, remember to invest in hope, not the hope that's all going to get better, but the hope that God is with you. To be honest, in the midst of all my pressing on, I've often forgotten this truth. Remember, he is with you in the hard moments when the school calls, when you're standing next to a hospital bed, or at the kitchen sink. When you're on the phone again with the insurance company. He is with you in your moments of pain and lament and in your small quiet moments of joy. You do not walk this road alone. As the psalmist says, goodness and mercy follows you all the days of your life.