Take Heart

Therapy Part 3: Our Therapy Expectations Vs. The Reality

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 3 • Episode 120

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In the final part of this three-part series, Amy, Sara, and Carrie dive into what we thought therapy would be like versus the reality of therapy. We share our experiences dealing with past traumas and how they affect our present reactions. We discuss managing expectations and self-care after a session. We also touch on vulnerability and how it's not  weakness, but rather a courageous way to understand our past experiences. If you're interested in learning more, listen to all three parts of this series.  

Ep. 120; March 21, 2023

Key Moments:
[2:18] Procrastinating going to therapy for years
[6:05] Apologizing to your kids
[8:34} Carrying around baggage without knowing it
[13:52] The story behind the story
[18:47] Therapy is not exhausting every time

Resources:
Parenting: How Your Story Is Affecting Your Relationship With Your Children Part 1
Parenting: How Your Story Is Affecting Your Relationship With Your Children Part 2 
The Allender Center Podcast
Healing Care Ministries

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Sara Clime  0:01 
Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is for you to feel connected and encouraged.

Hi, this is Sara Clime. I'm here with Amy J. Brown and Carrie M. Holt. Thank you for joining us. Today is the third and final week of a special three-part series on therapy. Today's show is about our therapy expectations versus reality. Last week in part two, we talked about why moms don't go to counseling. In the first week, we talked about how counseling can help. Before we get started, though, we want to state that we are not experts in therapy, nor are we licensed therapists. We believe in and have our own experiences with therapy. The following podcast is advice only from our perspective as clients. One's mental health is as individual and unique as each person's; what works for one person may not work for the next. Finding what works for you is a personal journey, often full of trial and error. Because we feel that mental health is so essential yet overlooked in the disability community, we have decided to take these three weeks and talk about our personal experiences with therapy in the hope that it may help in some way.

I'm not sure about anybody else. But as I discussed last week, when I started therapy after my son's diagnosis, I didn't know what to expect; I had no idea. I really had no idea what to expect, so it took me a long time to even go. It wasn't until I had ever everything to lose, including my marriage and my sanity, that I thought, well, why not? I've tried everything else, so I might as well try this. Amy and Carrie, one of you would like to answer this. Were you ever hesitant to go to therapy? If so, did you avoid it? Did you procrastinate going? Were you excited? Maybe it was something that you just were willing to do from the very beginning.

Carrie M Holt  2:18 
I know that it took me a really long time. Probably over 20 years, too. I did procrastinate going. I think some of it was when you dive into your story. Let's face it, as parents, we all make mistakes. There are certain things that we've done to harm our kids and help our kids. When you have such close ties to your family, sometimes I think it's hard to dive into your story without feeling like you're blaming others. One of the things that I have learned through listening to Adam Young and Dr. Allender (I've mentioned them in the podcast in the last couple of weeks). It is not blaming to name the harm that's been done to you. That can come from anywhere. It can come from the church; it can come from family; it can come from people outside your family. There is a place where you have to be willing to name what is the harm and what's the trauma that has happened throughout your life. Dr. Allender talks about how the devil loves to take our trauma and twist it into something full of shame and barriers and then twist it into lies that we believe. I think that's painful. That's such a process of dealing with your past. It can be difficult, I think, sometimes, to deal with our stories with kindness and see our young selves as doing the best that they could in those situations because they were going through something difficult. As a child, we do fragmentation and all of these different coping mechanisms to get through different things. It can be difficult. I just want to admit that I think that one of the reasons why I procrastinated is because I knew that it was not going to be easy to dive into my own story and some of the barriers and the things that I've gone through throughout my whole life. Not anything specific, but just through my whole life.

Amy J. Brown  4:33 
Carrie, thank you so much for sharing that. It makes me think of how important it is to name your story. Specifically, I want to talk about when your own children want to go to therapy. I have six kids. All my kids have been in therapy. Recently I had a conversation with one of them, and he was looking. He needed a book from his therapist. I think it was called What Happened To You? When I heard the title, I immediately thought, what have I done to this child? Then I remember, no, they lived in a traumatic house. They had death. They had the police at the door, and they had a lot of trauma in relation to our life of special needs parents. I'm sure there are things my husband and I did that weren't the best. I want to be able (and it's not easy as a mom, so I'm just gonna say this) to be able to open my hands and go, "I want you to know you, regardless of how that makes me feel."  Because I think there's shame there; I could have done better. Then my kids wouldn't need therapy if I had done better or handled this whole situation better. I think that's a lovely, gentle invitation to say they're finding themselves. They're healing; they're going. It's a really common feeling, I think, for moms, when their kids go to therapy, to be freaked out about what they could have done wrong. It's done with kindness. It's healing. That's their story, and they're never going to look at it the way I look at it; they just aren't. That's okay.

Carrie M Holt  6:05  
Two kids in the same family are going to react differently to different traumatic situations. I was just listening recently to a podcast Adam Young was talking about parenting. He was talking about the biggest factor in relationships with your children is a willingness to repair. What that means is that you're willing to go to them and say, "Hey, I messed up. Will you forgive me?" Be willing to ask questions of our kids and, see them, be attuned to them, no matter what age they are. A lot of times, that is when they're adults going to them and saying, "I didn't handle the situation correctly." It's going back to that lie that I talked about in the last podcast that we feel like if our kids are going to therapy, we have somehow failed, and that is not true. It's not true.

Amy J. Brown  7:02  
Right. Amen. Yeah.

Carrie M Holt  7:05  
I think it's the opposite. Right?

Sara Clime  7:09  
I think it shows them that you're willing to be fallible. They have every reason to trust the fact that you say it's okay to be imperfect. I think it's showing them that it's okay, that they can be imperfect as well.

Carrie M Holt  7:28  
It's building the relationship, I think, by being willing to be open and vulnerable.

Amy J. Brown  7:37  
It's very hard. That honors them. One of the things I would say about expectations of therapy is it took me a long time to be honest. I don't mean that I was lying, but I was just trying to put on my best front because I just wanted solutions. I think if you're out there and you haven't gone to therapy, it takes you a while to kind of sink into it. Maybe some people don't; maybe some people right away are able to spill all. It took me a while to be comfortable. I was always comfortable, but go to a deeper level of comfort of the underneath stuff, not just here's the problems; how do we solve them? Here's how these problems are making me feel. Once I was able to be really honest, and that took a while, I felt like a lot of progress happened.

Carrie M Holt  8:31  
It does take time. 

Sara Clime  8:34  
That's actually a really good point. That brings up another discussion that I wanted to talk about is that therapy is not a short-term, quick fix. I think in the last episode, I was joking that I said, "I just wanted 50 minutes." I wanted to go in; I wanted her to give me this homework and say, "Okay, this is what you need to do," and now move on. It doesn't work like that. It is actual work. It can be emotional, and it is uncomfortable. Personal change often accompanies therapy. I, at least, have learned to challenge my own behaviors. I have to change, and I have to adapt. Personally, the hardest part for me was I had to confront trauma. I realized that I had to dig up things that I had buried really deep. Earlier, at the beginning of this episode, I said, "I had everything to lose, including my marriage." It really wasn't my marriage that I felt like I was going to lose. I think it was more that I was going to lose my version of myself in that marriage. Because I had constructed this perfect wife that had no baggage that she brought. I think my husband, if he's listening right now, is laughing hysterically because, "No, we have been carrying around that baggage for quite a while; you just didn't realize that I was helping you carry it." You can only hide it for so long. I hadn't shared why that baggage was the way it was. Amy and I have joked. (Not really, I think it was more ironic) that there have been times where, at least, I've been sitting in therapy, where I've been telling a story about trauma, and my therapist has these bug eyes, where she says, "Okay, we're gonna finish this, but I would like to go back to that because that's something we need to discuss." That's not even the trauma I was talking about. That's not even the issue. That was something I didn't expect, but I think that is a wonderful part of it. I think part of managing my expectations going into therapy is that I have to be open. I go in now thinking, 'okay, I'm gonna go in, and I'm going to have this that I want to talk about." I know, chances are, we're not going to probably talk about that unless it's something that I really, really need to get off my chest. Because chances are, it's going to take a whole different direction. That's okay. I think part of it is understanding that it might not be what we expect. That's okay. I don't know if that makes sense. How has therapy been for you compared to what you expected? I want to talk about how we manage our expectations. Do you have certain habits before you go in? Do you have routines? Do you have to decompress when you come out? I know; mine is very emotional, and I shut down. Whenever I get emotional, I tend to shut down; I tend to go off on my own. That's not always good whenever you have family and loved ones. I have to go for a cup of coffee, or I have to go for a walk. I have certain things that I need to do to get my mind straight after, especially if it's emotional. Do you guys have things like that?

Amy J. Brown  12:39  
I would say prior to (I see my therapist, Dr. Becky, who I call adult supervision inside my head.) My husband, David, calls her that too. I'm a pretty regular journaler, so I will write in the margin, Dr. B...Dr. B. I'll write things over the course of the month. Then I'll go back and go. Here are the things that I think I want to talk to her about. But you're right, Sara, it goes the direction it goes. That's okay. I think that is part of it. I'll come in with this problem, but she'll point something out to me that I'm like, "Oh, here's the problem behind the problem, or here's my thinking behind the problem. I go in prepared, usually. I used to go in with a whole list and say, "Here's what we're talking about. She would probably roll her eyes. I'm a one on the enneagram, in case anyone can't tell. That's how I prepare because I always am nervous; I won't have anything to say, which is hilarious. Look at all the things that go on, on a regular in my life. Anyway, that's how I prepare.

Carrie M Holt  13:52  
I'm similar to Amy in that I'm learning to pay attention. In between my last two appointments, I had an evening where all these tears and anger and frustration were kind of coming out of nowhere, and grief. I couldn't necessarily figure out what it was. It's just paying attention to if you react a certain way to your children or your spouse; it's probably linked to the story behind the story. Chances are, it's not really caring for your child or something your husband said; it's triggering something from your past that you need to deal with. I'm learning to pay attention to that and, like Amy, write it down in a journal and take that in and say, "Help me unpack this because I can't figure out what this is or where this is coming from." To answer your other question. I'm a crier. By nature. I have very big feelings, and I always have them. I have learned on the days that I see my counselor try to schedule it either at a time when I don't have anything right after or to give myself some space. If it's possible, that evening, whether it's a walk, or an exercise, or a bath or whatever, it is something that I show kindness to my body, and even drinking water. I mean, when you're crying a lot and dealing with things, you need to drink a lot of water; you need to take care of yourself. I think those are things I didn't really understand until I started working through my story and then also seeing somebody

Sara Clime  15:45  
I think for me, kind of taking care of yourself. You mentioned something, Carrie, after your appointments that made me remember there was a time when you and I were supposed to have an appointment. You said, "Well, I don't know because I have my appointment." I pushed back on you, and I said, "You don't need to be there. That's fine. Why don't I do this one by myself?" Just yesterday, Amy sent me a MarcoPolo. She said, "Have you seen your therapist lately?" I said, "No, but I just called her because I haven't seen her for months." I think part of managing the expectations and part of managing your progress is: it is long-term. There will be there are going to be times when it's okay to go a few months where life comes at you. You might not be able to make it, or something happens. We just went through my mom having cancer. It wasn't that; life came at me very quickly with a lot of different things. Have people in your life that will say, "Have you seen..." What did you call Becky, Amy?"

Amy J. Brown  17:08  
Adult supervision inside my head.

Sara Clime  17:10  
I call mine: she untangles the knots. I picture my brain as this big ball of yarn. She's just going in there, and she's just working on the knots. She has to work on it a lot. She untangles my knots, and to me, that's what it feels like. Have people that aren't afraid to say, "Hey, have you gone in lately?" I love, Carrie, that you said sometimes it's drinking water. Go for a walk, take a nap. Tell your family, "Hey, I saw Becky today. We're having cereal." It's okay. It is exhausting. It doesn't mean you're lazy. It doesn't mean that you're taking the easy way out. These are huge. It's taking care of yourself, and nobody else needs to understand. I think it goes back to what we said in one of the earlier episodes. I can't remember which one it was. But your trauma is your trauma. Your therapy is your therapy; your experiences are your experiences. Nobody else needs to accept them. Nobody else needs to understand them. My childhood was not my sister's childhood; her childhood was not mine. If I had a difficult time in a part of my childhood, it doesn't mean it's my mom's fault. It does not mean it was my sister's fault. It does not mean it was mine. It just means that we're working through some things because we're human. I think managing those expectations when you walk in is pretty is important.

Amy J. Brown  18:47  
Also, you said it's exhausting. I also want to say there are times when it's so clarifying. It's not exhausting every time. There are lots of times it is. I don't want to scare people away. Sometimes I think, "ah", I just needed to be in this room to realize this thing. Sometimes, our beloved Doctor Becky doesn't even say anything too profound. It's just space for me. And I'll go, "Oh, I have clarity now.

Carrie M Holt  19:12  
I think when you're in the space of seeing someone, I've even had little epiphanies outside of that because I'll write something down that she says. She'll say, "Well, try this question with your kids." It's very simple, but then it's very profound at the same time. I noticed that I'm better at relating to those people around me, as this benefits me because I'm seeing her.

Sara Clime  19:38  
Yeah, I'm really glad you said that. Amy, I'm glad that you clarified that because it isn't always exhausting. I had one particular thing in mind. I have another one after you said that. I went in, and I went in, man I was hot because I was mad at something somebody said to me. I took offense to it. I took it personally. I was really upset; actually, I wasn't really so much mad as I was hurt. I went in, and she really got to the heart of the matter of why I was hurt. It really had nothing to do with what this person said. It had something to do with past trauma. I realized that I hadn't dealt with something that I needed to deal with. I walked out feeling so much lighter. I think it just was so freeing because I had held on to something that I didn't even know I was holding on to; I was carrying around something that I did not have to even hold on to anymore. That's one of the wonderful things you can walk in and think. I didn't realize I could expect that out of therapy or counseling is that you can learn to let go of things. Amy, you had said, I have an agenda sometimes whenever I walk into these things. We're going to talk about this, this, this and this, and this, and I walk out, and we're never gonna get to it. Four months later, we haven't even touched on my childhood yet. It's good because they're getting to what's most important if you if you have the right one. 

Carrie M Holt  21:11  
You started off the series by quoting your BFF, Brene Brown, and I think she said clarity is kindness. Right? That's what a good counselor can do to help shine a light on different things. That's very kind.

Sara Clime  21:29  
For me, vulnerability was the hardest. The quote is, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage, truth, and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weaknesses." Coming off as weak is the scariest thing for me, feeling like I'm weak and putting my vulnerability out there because that has been manipulated so many times in my life. That emotional manipulation is the scariest thing for me. I shut down. I don't open myself up to that. That was why Brene because we're on a first-name basis. She doesn't know it yet, but we are. I think that's why we're talking about managing expectations. I think it's more or less not managing expectations. You don't have to manage expectations; you just get to walk in and let them manage it for you. That's really freeing.

Amy J. Brown  22:31  
If you have an open-handed posture.

Sara Clime  22:32  
Absolutely.

Carrie M Holt  22:36  
Yeah. Yeah.

Sara Clime  22:37  
There's a quote by Henry David Thoreau that says, "Not until we are lost, we begin to understand ourselves." I always think about too, because that's when we begin to truly figure it all out. Yeah, that's good. Well, this was another great discussion. Thank you, guys, so much for being so open, and I would like to let our listeners know, again, if there was anything that resonated or if anything that you wanted to talk to us about, please reach out to us. You can reach out to us collectively or individually at takeheartspecialmoms@gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. I'm going to close this out in prayer. 

Father God, thank you for your love, your understanding, your resources, your guidance, and the ability to seek understanding of the vast emotions that we have inside of these remarkable bodies that you have created. God, I pray that we take the time to get to know the real child that you have created so that we may understand you better. Under all of these emotions, all of our struggles, all of our doubts and confusion, you are with us. You are part of this, and you are our healing. May we continue to dig to understand ourselves more so that we may understand you, amen. 

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