Take Heart

When You Doubt God's Presence

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 4 • Episode 153

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Do you have times when things are chaotic, and you wonder if God is even there? Looking back on her earlier parenting, Carrie discusses three things she wished she knew and fully understood as a mom to a medically fragile child: giving herself grace as she prioritized different things in life, releasing self-criticism, and living fully in the midst of life's chaos with the overarching theme of seeing God's presence in every circumstance and difficulty. Don't miss this episode.

Ep.153; January 9, 2024
Key Moments:
[0:40] Somethings you have to experience to learn them
[3:50] Balance in life is a myth
[7:10] Waiting for life to be calm 
[9:30] Look for Him in chaos

Resources:
Scriptures Mentioned: Job 23:8-10; Psalm 91:1-2
The Bible Recap by Tara Leigh-Cobble
Julian Consulting
Episode 147: How Creativity Keeps Us Grounded & Present

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Carrie M Holt: Hi there, it’s Carrie M. Holt today and this episode is entitled When You Doubt God's Presence. This month, we're covering the topic: what we wish we would have known. Have you ever thought that or said that? I wish I would have known that, especially when it comes to raising our children with disabilities.

This is tough because there really are only certain things that you can learn or know by experiencing them. My husband once took a birthday trip with some of his friends; I didn't go, and they visited the Grand Canyon. They got to stay at a dude ranch, rode a small airplane, and then took a helicopter ride down to the floor of the Grand Canyon. After that, they spent the next two days rafting down the Colorado River, even sleeping on the side of the river underneath the stars.

He took the most amazing photos and videos, but yet they still fall short of me going and experiencing that trip for myself. I can appreciate it, but I don't really know it until I do it myself. The same is true about raising children with special needs. We could go back and tell ourselves all kinds of things: tips, tricks, advice, encouragement. Until we actually live it out, we don't really learn it.

We aren't going to grow unless we go through it. On the other hand, I'm so grateful to other moms who have given me encouragement, advice, and things to be aware of. We can learn from one another. And today, I want to share just three things that I wish I would have known that would have helped me in the early days of my journey. And this can apply to all parts of life, not just mothering a child with special needs or disabilities. 

The first thing is that balance in life is a myth. As a young mom, I wish I would have understood this. When we think of balance, we imagine that everyone and everything is getting equal time and energy, that it's fair. But according to my husband's business coach, Dr. Julian, you can't achieve this perfect harmony. 

Instead, it's about work-life integration, or in our case, integration of all the list of things that we need to care for. When you are a mother to a child with a disability or one that is medically fragile. We just can't keep all the plates spinning in the air. Our plates are labeled housework, home, work, job, family, and friends. We just can't do it all. We have to let things go. We can't control everything in our lives. But we can choose our priorities in different seasons. When my son was born, I had three boys, three and under. Let me say that again. I had three boys, three and under, and then I had this medically fragile baby. Honestly, that season was labeled survival. Toby was in the hospital for almost the first three months of his life. The priorities then were caring for him, making sure we communicated with doctors, and then making sure our other two toddlers were not left home alone and that they had someone caring for them whom we trusted. Then, of course, it was connecting with my husband when we could fit that in. The house, meals, church, all that went out the window, and that was okay.

It was a season. For me, the main priorities in any season are my relationship with God, my spouse, and my kids and allowing myself moments of rest. Again, in different seasons, the amount of time that each of those gets looks different. It's not always fair and balanced. Obviously, as moms who have a child with special needs and siblings, there are times when that child gets a lot more attention and needs. That doesn't mean that the small moments we have with the other kids can't be quality time as we focus on them and are attuned to them. There are weeks when I do well with all the meal planning, grocery shopping, and eating healthy. And then there are weeks that we make do with what we can. There are weeks when our houses are clean or weeks mostly when they're not. Ask God to give you what your priorities should look like in the different seasons of your life, and resist the feelings of guilt when everything isn't equal and fair. Again, don't discount those small daily interactions of helping your child brush their teeth, reading them a bedtime story and putting them to bed, looking in their eyes, and being present in the moment. You've probably heard the phrase, it's not counting the moments, but making the moments count. I think that is especially true for us as special needs moms. Let's be present in the moment. 

The second thing that I would go back and tell myself is don't be so hard on yourself. Life is not perfect. Every journal that I go back to and read from different times in my life, especially when I was a young mom, I was always writing about my faults, my defects, and how I was trying to improve. I want to reach through the pages of that journal, give myself a hug, and say, chill out. An author named Robin Jones Gunn once wrote, stop trying to make God proud of you. For so long, that's what I was trying to do. Can you resonate with that? Are you working so hard to make God proud of you?

We can't do anything perfect, especially parenting. Nothing we do is going to make God love us any more than he already does. In our book, The Other Side of Special, Amy wrote, “Mom-guilt is universal. We have this idea that we're supposed to be the perfect mom. We assume that we need to do it all and do it well, but it is impossible for any mom to live up to the standard. We also let other people's words have more weight than they should. In those moments, we forget to consider what God expects of us. He expects us to come to him and leave our burdens at his feet. He doesn't expect us to do it all.” 

If you're struggling to be hard on yourself, first of all, where is that coming from? Ask yourself that question. Why do you feel that way? Are you trying to make God proud of you? Do you believe you need perfection to earn God's love or someone else's? Is that a belief from the way that you were raised? Take it to God and ask him what he expects. Ask him to help you reframe your thinking. Thirdly,

The last thing I would tell myself, is don't wait for life to be calm to start living. Looking back over the last 17 years of parenting my son with a disability, I realized there were times when I wasted so much time. I wanted to wait till Toby was out of the hospital to write a book. I wanted to wait until our lives were calm to eat well, rest or exercise, or even play with my other kids. We cannot wait for our life to be calm to start living. If we do, we're gonna spend all of our time never living and always waiting. Our kids are gonna grow up, and we won't know them. 

If you haven't, go back and listen to episode 147, Amy's interview with Jodie Gerling in October. I love how she talks about how we need to take time to be creative even in times of chaos. I've listened to a lot of Dr. Allender's podcasts and read some of his books. And one of the things that he teaches about is the idea of play. Think about creativity and not working.

Play requires a level of trust because we have to let go of control of all of the imminent things that are pressing us. Think about your to-do list. In order to stop and play with your kids, read them a book, or spend time and play with your husband, we have to allow ourselves to let go and allow ourselves to enjoy the creativity and beauty of the present moment, and that requires trust. Those things are gonna be waiting for us when they're done. We need to be in the moment and play. Whether that means you're playing with your kids or your spouse or taking time for creativity and ways to enjoy God's goodness, truth, and beauty, don't wait for life to be calm, to play, and also to take care of yourself. 

Lastly, probably the most important thing that I have realized over the last 20-plus years of just parenting is that even when it didn't feel like it, God was always there. There were times in the middle of these moments of chaos that it didn't feel like he was there. I've been reading the book of Job lately, and in Job 23 it says (Job is speaking), "'Behold, I go forward, but he is not there and backward, but I do not perceive him. "'On the left hand, when he is working, "'I do not behold him. He turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take, when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.” 

I see this so much more clearly now than I did then because there were so many times in the dark days of the hospital stays and the surgeries and the chaos of having three boys, three and under, It didn't feel like God was there. I felt like Job, I looked around, and it didn't seem like God was listening or even that he was caring, but he was. He knows the ways that we take. I can see that more clearly now as we look back. God is present even when we don't feel it. God is there when you think you've made the wrong decision and missed something with your child. God is there when you doubted he was there. He is there when you are angry. He is there when your child has a meltdown. God is there when you feel less than perfect or even yet maybe the worst mom in the world. God is there when your life is full of chaos or calm or somewhere in between. He's there when you're waiting on life or when you're enjoying every day. When you're grateful and grieving, when you're sorrowful content, comparing, or faithful, he's always there.

This podcast was released on January 9th. It's a new year with New Year's resolutions and rhythms. We all make them, even if they're not formally written down. There's something in our human nature where we look forward to the clean slate that is a new year. May I encourage you to look for God this year? Look for Him in the small moments, in the chaos and the calm. Look for His presence in scripture. Get to know the God who loves you.

Last fall, I felt compelled to start reading through the entire Bible chronologically. At first, my logical mind thought, wait till January 1st and start fresh anew. But I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit to start right away. So I did. Honestly, it's probably going to take me three to four years to get through the entire Bible, as I am kind of taking my time. Honestly, I probably only get to it two to three days a week. That's okay. I'm going to put the link in the show notes, but I'm using Tara Lee Cobble's The Bible Recap podcast and a reading plan she has in YouVersion. If you decide to use her podcast, listen to the preparation episodes. They're really good. Don't skip them. It has helped me to look for Him, to see Him all throughout Scripture. 

Lastly, not only do we seek out in Scripture, but we can look back and see His faithfulness throughout our lives and in our circumstances. At the time of this recording, it's the fall, and every time I open up my Facebook app, there has not been a day when our son wasn't in the hospital in November and December having surgery. Again, I look back, and I have no idea how we survived. 

I don't know how we did it except for God. But when I look back, I can also see God's presence, his faithfulness, his healing. No, not the ultimate healing of my son, where he can walk and run and not have a trach and a ventilator, but the healing that he provided after surgery, the healing of our family, and especially the healing of my heart. I know there's no way I can get through that stuff without him, and neither can you. 

As we look back and consider what we wish we would have known, let's remember these three things. First of all, balance in life is a myth. Ask God to help you choose your priorities. Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself. There's no such thing as a perfect mom. Lastly, don't wait for life to be calm to start living. Most importantly, remember that God is always there. You will never regret seeking Him, being in His word, and building a relationship with Him. “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”