Take Heart

How To Overcome Limiting Beliefs About Friendship

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 1 • Episode 28

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Limiting beliefs, care fatigue, creative ways to find connection, and connecting with others during a crisis are all topics on this week’s collaborative episode. Amy reminds us to lay aside our limiting beliefs about connection. You never know who God is going to bring into your life at just the right moment.

February 23, 2021

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:21-    Introduction
  • 1:08-    Kindred Spirits
  • 2:48-    Limiting Beliefs
  • 10:30-  Creative Connection
  • 17:53-  Connection surprises
  • 23:20-  Connecting in Crisis
  • 28:12-  Be Specific
  • 31:38-  Prayer
  • 32:46-  Outro

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Amy (0:21)
Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to give you hope, offer insight and encouragement, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. Each week Sara, Amy, and Carrie will explore a theme, share inspiring stories, practical tips, and encouragement you can use on your journey. Using our combined experience of over 30 years of parenting children with special needs, our prayer is that you Take Heart, have the courage you need to embrace each day. Be sure to check out our free download on our website entitled “Tips on Finding Peace, Hope, and Gratefulness in the Hard Places of Being a Special Needs Mom.” You can find it at takeheartspecialmoms.com Thank you for being with us today. 

Amy (1:08)
Welcome, I'm so glad you're here. I'm Amy Brown, and I'm here with my other co-hosts, Sara and Carrie, to talk about connection. I know you guys have boys, Carrie, you have a daughter, but whenever I think of friendship I think of Anne of Green Gables who talks about a bosom friend or a kindred spirit. In the book Anne of Green Gables, Anne says, “I want a bosom friend, an intimate friend, you know a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul. I've dreamed of meeting all my life. I never really supposed I would, but so many of my loveliest dreams have come true all at once that perhaps this one will too.” I always chuckle when I read that because it's a little bit of a high standard, first of all. But then, later on in the book, Anne says, “Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.” One of the deepest desires of our hearts as humans is connection. God wired us for it. We want to share our lives and be understood, but even with this longing we put up limiting beliefs about these connections. When I talk about connections, I'm talking about friendships, but also connections with maybe children, spouse, maybe it’s with God or yourself, or a pastor. So as we start our discussion on connections I would be interested to know, Sara, what limiting beliefs have you had about connection in the past or even now?

Sara (2:48) 
Wow. Where to start? I am my own biggest critic. I can come with a million different reasons why I'm not worth putting myself out there or worth getting to know. I can go on a shame spiral quicker than anybody. Did I say that I said it right? They looked at me kind of weird. It's not that I'm really insecure. I'm so worried about offending somebody or saying something. My mind is going a million different ways all the time, so I think: did they understand what I was saying? Did I say the complete sentence? I often will think something and it doesn't come out right. So that's where my limiting belief is, is that I am not good at it. I'm an introvert. My go-to and my safe place is alone with a book. That's how I recharge myself is just to be alone, go for a walk, do something by myself. Whenever I get around a large group of people, I would say my biggest limiting belief is that I'm not going to do it right. I'm going to offend somebody. Basically that I'm not good at it, and so it's best if I just don't try. I've learned over the years that that's not true, and I need to put myself out there. If I do say the wrong thing from time to time and somebody takes it wrong, and they're not willing to approach me or forgive me then that's a connection that deserves to be fleeting. I would say that was mine.

Amy: What about you, Carrie?

Carrie (4:40)
When I think about connecting with other moms who have children with special needs, some of my limiting beliefs is they don't truly understand what I'm going through because our children are so different. We just don't have the time. That's part of it, or our lives are so crazy, and we don't have the time. Sometimes I think it's also “care fatigue” because when you start to let people in your life, and they have children made with medical needs or emotional needs or behavioral needs, then you begin to care for them and care for their children. Having my own needs as a special needs mom, I sometimes struggle with I'm not sure if I have the depth to care for someone else and their family and all the things that they're going to need from me. I think sometimes that makes me hesitate from reaching out. Those are a couple of the limiting beliefs that I've had.

Amy (5:49)
What I find interesting about what you just said is care fatigue because when you said that I thought that makes total sense. A lot of times because I'm an older mom a lot of people that come to me are young moms, and I'm happy for them to come to me. When you’re already a caregiver you kind of go into almost every relationship thinking: okay what is my responsibility to care for this other person? Is that what you mean by that?

Carrie (6:15) 
Yes. Do I have the mental fortitude and the depth to take on this extra relationship? I have four children, and we homeschool. Toby’s in the hospital a lot. So, sometimes it's just taking that risk of how much are they going to need from me. But also realizing that I do have to get outside of myself and connect with others too and care for others. There is that care fatigue factor for sure. 

Amy (6:48)
I wonder as special needs moms, as I'm thinking about this, if we just assume we're going to have to care for people. It's a pleasant surprise when you go out with a friend back when we could go out with friends, and it's just easy. You're just laughing, and you're not caring for anything. I think I go into it because I'm a mom of six thinking I'm going to have to care for somebody. It’s funny. I guess that could be a limiting belief in its own right.

Sara (7:15) 
I think that could be detrimental to a friendship as well because you spend so much time trying to fix it that you don't listen. 

Amy (7:27) 
I think that’s a great point. For me, I’m a “when the going gets tough, I get going” kind of girl. I'm such an introvert and I’m extremely private. I think part of the privacy is because of the nature of my kids special needs. Some of their behaviors are behaviors that are incredibly negative, and you don't really want it out there on the Facebook group for people to pray. How do you ask for that kind of prayer? So my limiting belief hands down is this. I don't need it, I can handle this. I've handled a lot, I can handle more until I literally crash and burn. When I crash and burn because I'm an introvert, I don't necessarily reach out. I may reach out to other coping mechanisms. Whenever I do reach out. it just feels like I've had a shot of oxygen. You’d think I'd remember that every time.

Sara (8:18)
I think the inability or hesitation, I should say, to reach out stems from how it seems like we're always in the limelight with people. We always have a prayer request. We always have a surgery. We always have a need, and it's constant because it is a daily or a minute-by-minute issue. That's our normal. I tend not to reach out when it's for me. I've been dealing all day with broken bones, medicine, insurance hasn't come through, or insurance appeals, or what have you. The last thing that is on my mind, typically, is I need a friend. I have too much to do that it is the least of my worries. It really is something that could help put everything in focus. We tend to just put that in the background. 

Amy (9:16)
It's true that you are always dealing with things. I used to have this group of women I met with, and not that they didn't have problems. But, they had like little problems they would talk about, and then it would be my turn. I was the complete train wreck at the table every week. Their eyes would get bigger and bigger, and I would have to stop talking. I think that’s part of it too. As special needs moms, we have to adapt our life. We’re good at it. We know how to adapt. I would like to talk a little bit about connecting. First of all, we have to get over those limiting beliefs: they're not going to understand me, I don't have time, whatever those are. Identify those. Once we do decide to reach out, we’re going to have to adapt. It's not going to look like other people probably. My next question would be: what are some creative ways that you have found to reach out to people? Once again let me just keep going back to this, it doesn't need to be a girlfriend. It could be a spouse, other kids, wherever you feel you've needed connection. What have been some creative ways, Carrie, you feel you have reached out?

Carrie (10:30) 
I mentioned this in my individual podcast, but my friend I have that God ordained that we would be friends before either of us had kids with special needs. Then both of our kids have trachs, ventilators, and feeding tubes, or my son used to. Our oldest boys were born sixteen hours apart, so her son's three and a half years older than Toby. It was interesting because once we came home with Toby, we had this main diagnosis of Spina Bifida, but we were in the rare case scenario of Spina Bifida with all this extra stuff. Then her son didn't get a diagnosis until two. I can't remember exactly. He was in a rare area. I think there’s only like 50 kids in the world that have his diagnosis. So, we looked at each other and said, “You know what it's time for us to start a support group for moms of kids of medically complex children or medically fragile children.”  Ironically we called ourselves Breath of Support. We would get together once a month, and go to a restaurant. We were able to do that because most of the moms in our group had nursing. For the most part, we are able to leave our kids with nurses or with dads. I remember there were months where I thought, I’m not sure I want to go tonight. Then I would go, and it was like you said. It was a shot of oxygen. I would come home, and I would just feel so revived because you tend to connect on the things you do have in common. Even though all of our kids had various diagnoses. We had “care fatigue” in common. Our children for the most part we're getting treated at the same hospital. We had that in common because it was in the area. So that's one creative way that I have found connection. Another one in the area of connecting with my own kids has been having conversations. I've realized as they've gotten older, and this is going to sound really silly, but they have no idea of what life was like when Toby was so fragile as a baby. They were so young. We did so much to protect them from all of that. We rarely took them to the hospital. Now you can't because they have to be certain ages or whatever. My boys might say, “Oh Mom's dragging out the scrapbook again.”  Seriously, we need to have those conversations. Do you realize what happened then? It reminds me of the children of Israel with the stones they carried across the river Jordan. Do you realize how God carried us through this? You guys were with your Aunt Lynsey during this time or you were with Grandma and Grandpa during this time. It’s important to have those conversations because they don't remember and for them to also connect with their brother. Sometimes there is this level of competition between siblings. It's really good because Toby’s siblings treat him like a normal sibling. They fight like normal siblings, but they also sometimes expect him to do things way over and above things that he can do because they don't realize what he's been through.

Amy (13:50): That's good. What about you Sara? 

Sara (13:55)
Whenever I think of creative connection, I think of my oldest son who is neurotypical, and he doesn't have any physical disabilities. I spent almost three years, every 28 days, flying out east with my youngest son. I was gone a week a month for three years. As a middle schooler into high school, I would miss games. I would miss districts. I would miss big things. My husband took one clinical trial that was in Florida. That was his time to take my youngest son to that clinical trial, and it was a three or four day process. During that three or four days building up to it, my oldest son got to make the itinerary. I would take off work. I would get him out of school, if he could, and we would do whatever he wanted to do. So if it was just vegging out watching TV. Even as a little kid, he always liked sushi, so we would go out for sushi. That was his thing. This one place, we always eat at, even at 20, he calls it our date night spot. I went with my husband one-time, and my son said, “You've been to our date night spot?” That was a connection. I just made that extra point to turn off my phone, look him in the eyes,  and ask him what he wanted. Another way to connect, I think it's just back to the basics, is you listen. We talked about that earlier. I would listen to him. I would say, “What's the most frustrating part about having a special needs brother?” At first he would come look at me. I would say, “Oh, it’s frustrating, do you want me to tell you some things that I find frustrating as a mom?” I just let him vent, I let him be a kid. I think that’s the basics of any kind of friendship or any kind of connection is just to listen and to acknowledge. So that’s what I thought of when you said creative connection, don't know how creative that was. 

Amy (16:10)
I think that’s great, especially with other siblings. We have this idea that it has to be a big thing, right? Okay, I've neglected you for three weeks, I’m going to take you to Disney. If you just stop and look around you and this isn't just with kids, it could be with a spouse or friendship. You're bringing someone home from soccer, and okay let's go to Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard and six other people have to get it. It's little stuff. I think in my mind that's one of my limiting beliefs. If I don't have a whole weekend with a girlfriend, which would never happen anyway. I don't know why that’s even out there. What’s ten minutes or twenty minutes on the phone? I think we do that with a lot of things in life. I think that's one of the things that I have tried to do with my own kids and friends is just doing those quick connections because they matter too. They make more of a difference than I think we're going to realize. I mean it's kind of dumb. You're like okay I'm either going to have all this or nothing, why not meet in the middle somewhere? I love that. I love all of that especially because as the kids get older. Sara, I think you said you have a kid in college now and that's how you connect with him. I think it's important to let them have a voice about what's hard about having a special needs sibling. Those are great. Have you had any, without naming names, connection fails or connection surprises? I didn't realize I was going to connect. 

Sara (17:53)
With my son, his diagnosis is that he is terminal. He has an average life expectancy of mid-twenties. I can say that and not be tearful anymore because that is our reality. I've learned to give my little elevator speech every time we meet somebody new. Early on in the diagnosis, I felt like they needed to know everything. I realized after a few times whenever I would meet new people, and I would explain my life and then they would end up in tears, and I would say, “Oh it's okay. It's really okay. Nobody wants to be around that mom. I make everybody cry. Now, I say, “He has muscular dystrophy.” I learned early on not to sugarcoat it, but I don’t have to verbally purge my entire life whenever I meet somebody. We will ease them in slowly. 

Amy: What about you, Carrie?

Carrie (19:02)
I think for me just one of the surprises has been how important it is to connect with other moms who do not have kids with special needs and to cherish those friendships. They have a different perspective on life. I've also learned to cherish those friends, who like you said, Sara, they just truly listen. They may not completely understand what you're going through, but they're the ones who through the years say, “Oh Toby's going to the hospital for another surgery, we're going to do a meal train for you.” They don't ask. They don't even say, “What do you need?” They say, “This is what we're going to do for you.” I think that those connections are really important because sometimes we surround ourselves with all the types of people who are like us. That's great, but that can also have a downside to it. We need to remember to continue to have those connections. Another great surprise about connecting with other special needs parents is sometimes the best referrals for treatments, where to go to get care, have come from other moms. They don't come from the doctors at the hospital or the nurses. They're coming from being in that Facebook group. I'm researching this treatment for my son’s scoliosis or whatever it is. Then you hear people’s stories and say, “Okay, I'm going to try that” For the most part, we as moms, and as parents of children special needs we are our child’s experts. I feel like that sharing of information has been a great surprise and benefit of connecting in those types of situations. 

Amy (21:00) 
That's great. I would say for me, I have to lay down my expectations. Because I don't really know that many people that have kids with special needs like mine, I have an expectation that somebody else isn’t going to understand it. A couple examples come to mind.  Number one, you guys, obviously when we met. I called Sara. I remember this because we were in this writing group together, and she started saying stuff that I thought. I was surprised by that. I have this expectation because we have kids with different special needs, we wouldn’t really be on the same page about things. That has been one of the biggest blessings of last year is that we have connected. I think of another time that I joined an exercise group. I didn't know anybody in that group. I thought I was going in stealth. They’re not going to know anything about me. I’m not going to share the whole long powerpoint that is my life. I didn't have a lot in common with these women except that we worked out together. I was so pleasantly surprised that one of the women in that group is one of my dearest friends now. We exercise all the time together. I was not expecting that going in. I've had to learn to say, “You just don't know where God's going to bring that fruit and that flower that blooms. You just don't know. You can look at somebody who has none of the demographics you have, but you may have a common bond. I will say this for anybody out there that feels, “I don’t have any friends, I'm lonely.” There are lots of ways that we talk about this month on how to reach out, but this I know to be true. God brings people into your life. He really does. As we pray for that, and our eyes are open to the possibilities of friends, you have to lower expectations, not in a bad way. By that I mean lay them aside because you never know who God is going to bring to your life who could just meet the need that you have right then. That is definitely something that I've learned over the course of my life in reaching out and making friendships.

Amy (23:20) 
As special needs moms we have times when we’re in crisis whether we’re in the hospital, or have a boatload of new information that we have to process, there's some behavioral issue at school, somebody gets suspended which has happened at my house more than once. In those moments, how do you think that you can get connection? It’s not what you're thinking at all, you’re just thinking of getting through the crisis. It's so important, we don't completely isolate. Carrie, I would love to hear your thoughts on that.

Carrie (23:51)
One thing that comes to mind at least for hospital stays, and when you have a lot of medical things going on. This can certainly carry over to other diagnoses. We started a CaringBridge page, which I know that website is still current. Some people start blogs. It was an easy way for people to know what was going on in our lives, without me having to call everyone. At least 14 years ago there wasn’t a lot of texting going on, I didn’t have an iPhone. It was for people to connect and support us in prayer. I can remember, I had a friend in China praying for us at that time. What was really surprising about it is I kept that CaringBridge site for about eight years. It was how I ended up connecting with some of my closest friends whose children have similar diagnoses. It's also been an amazing medical account and a journal that I have that I can go back to. A doctor will ask you a question, and you think oh yeah I remember he had a surgery,  but I can't remember. I can go back and look and it's on there. It's a really practical way to keep track of things when you're in a crisis mode. There were times when I handed over the updates to a friend because I didn't have the presence of mind to do it. She would give the updates for me until I could process things. It was a really simple way to help me process it. It helped me sift through the emotions, through the medical information so I could explain it in a way that other people outside of the situation could understand and pray. So that is one of the ways that I have found. It’s been a connection for me on several levels: spiritually, mentally, emotionally for me and for people to connect with us too.

Amy: What about you, Sara?

Sara (26:01)
I love what Carrie said. We started a Facebook page. We actually started out on CaringBridge too. Over a decade ago there wasn’t texting or anything like that. I realized that nine out of ten times, I would get a Facebook message or a call or something from somebody whatever was time appropriate. We would get that from people just by keeping them updated. Plus it gave them a sense of what our life was like without the PowerPoint. They would understand what our life was like. I know when we go through surgeries, pre-covid, we would have preachers or ministers that would come to the hospital and pray with us. I have one friend that I said, “Hey, my son goes into surgery.” For anybody who listens who doesn't have to do surgery often, this might sound a little bit uncaring as a mom. But, I feel like he goes into surgery at 9 a.m., you want to chat? Do you want to facetime? I do this so often because I’m sitting right there, and I know I'm in it for a good hour or two. Instead of worrying, would you want to talk me through it? Most of the time they are so encouraged. They feel so empowered, themselves, as a friend that they say, “Oh my gosh, I was able to help you.” I had one friend that said, “That was the best thing a friend has ever asked me to do.” I felt selfish in my head, but I was empowering her to give me a blessing. I would say just be open and be specific about what you need. Ask for specific prayer requests. Usually people will let you know and that opens a dialog. I have friends that I guarantee started from their consistent and vigilant prayer over my child. That is the firm foundation of our friendship, and you can't replace that. I mean that it just  one of the most special kinds of love.

Amy (28:12)
I love that you said be specific with what you need. Brene brown says clear is kind. It's hard for us as special needs moms to be clear because we're so focused on what our child needs. We will go to bat over and over again for what our child needs, but we may not go to bat for what we need. I want to say specifically to moms with kids with disabilities and behavioral issues. Like I said earlier we don't have a CaringBridge about this, but I have what I call my break glass in case of an emergency kind of friend. It's the friend that you call and say here's what's going down, and I need you to pray for me, or you can cry too, or you can say I'm so tired. You can't really broadcast some of the behaviors to everybody. I have a couple people that I know they're not going to try to give me solutions, and I know they won't judge me. I know they don't understand it completely, but they love me. They know me. That makes the world of difference. So the break glass in case of an emergency kind of friend needs to be there. I don't always want to make that phone call, but I know that if I do I will get grace and love that probably people looking into our situation are not going to give me. For you, moms, who have those kinds of kids with behavioral issues, it's really important. I know it's really hard to reach out because most people don't understand, but it is really important that you do reach out. I just want to encourage you to do that. Thanks, ladies. You're always so wise. Thank you, guys.

Sara (29:49)
I would also say. I’m sorry. It just got me thinking when you said break glass in case of an emergency type of friend. With hidden disabilities and then you add the adoption aspect or even the fostering aspect, when you can't start a Facebook page. You just can’t. I know we have a lot of listeners out there that aren't necessarily special needs moms, but they’re family members or friends, I would say just to listen and just to say, “I'm sorry that stinks.” Those are the best four sometimes that I ever hear. I don't need to hear you understand. Quite frankly I am so happy you don't get it because then you're not dealing with what we're dealing with. I would not wish that on anybody. I don't think any of us would. If you are a friend or a family member or a minister or anybody listening and you know somebody with special needs sometimes just say, “How are you?” “Oh, I’m fine.” “No, how are you?” I have this one elder at my church, he gets in my face, eye level, and he says, “No the answer is not fine. How are you?” I have to give him something. Some days I’m fine. Sometimes I don't need the PowerPoint, but those are the kind of friends that are so important for special needs families, and especially I would think for invisible disabilities and the adoptive parents. 

Amy (31:20)
Thank you, that’s so true. Thank you for saying that. I'm so glad that we got to talk about connection. Speaking of connection here at Take Heart, we really want to connect with you. So if you hear anything today that you want to chat with us about, just reach out to us. Carrie is going to close us in prayer. Thanks, Carrie

Carrie (31:38)
Dear Lord, I want to thank you so much for this conversation today. I just want to pray for all of our listeners out there. You know their hearts, and you know their needs, You know that they need connection whether it's with a spouse or family members or other children or friends. I just pray that you will provide exactly what that person needs in this moment right now, that you will help them to overcome their limiting beliefs, that the friends and family in their life will take the time to listen and acknowledge the hard parts of their life. They will also have prayer warriors that are praying over them, for them through all of the circumstances that they're going through. Lord, I just pray that they will have the connections and above all that they will dig their roots deep into your word into your truth and to feel your presence in their life,  to know that you are the God who sees them and that you can be trusted, and you will never leave them or forsake them. I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen.

Amy (32:46)
Thank you, Carrie. Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. If you love our podcast, could you do us a favor? We would love it if you would leave a review on whatever platform you listen to our podcast. You can follow us on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. If you have any questions or comments or would like to share your story with us, follow the links in our show notes. We would love to hear from you. Listen in next week as we start the theme of self care.