Take Heart

Positive and Negative Comparison with Carrie M. Holt

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 2 • Episode 56

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It doesn’t take much effort to look at others’ situations and feel despair, envy, and discontentment when we judge their circumstances as easier than our own. In this episode, Carrie shares our common struggles with jealousy, and encouragement on how to positively compare. 

October 12, 2021; Ep. 56

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:22-    Intro
  • 1:04-    Defining Terms
  • 3:03-    Jealousy Struggles
  • 5:59-    Grieve The Hard
  • 7:07-    Positively Compare
  • 10:19-  Source of Worth
  • 11:39-  Stay in Your Own Lane
  • 12:55-  Philippians 4
  • 15:07-  Outro

Episode Links & Resources:

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Carrie M Holt 
(0:22) Welcome to Take Heart, where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish in your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes, share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is to continue to serve you and your listeners. You can help us spread the word by subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing the podcast with others. Amy, Sara, and I want to thank you for joining us today.

(1:04) Hello, there, it's Carrie M. Holt today, and this month's theme is jealousy. It actually had me puzzled a little bit because the definition of the word jealousy is actually what we typically call envy in modern terms. These two terms have very different definitions, but both are fairly interesting and apply to our discussion today. I am a homeschooling mama, and we talk a lot about defining our terms. So, when we discuss things or have a discussion about things, we have the same background, and we're on the same page. So let's get on the same page. Jealousy means, "intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness." According to Merriam Webster, "Jealousy carries the particular sense of zealous vigilance, and tends to be applied more exclusively to feelings of protectiveness regarding one's own advantages." Scripture tells us that God is a jealous God. I believe He is jealous over us pursuing worldly things other than Him to fill that void in our hearts and lives. He doesn't want to be compartmentalized to the back room of our hearts, but rather be all we need in all situations and circumstances. He has this feeling of protectiveness over us because he knows when we try to live life without him, we won't thrive. Envy is actually, "a painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with that desire to possess that same advantage." So I think when we talk about jealousy in modern terms, what we really mean is envy. As special needs parents, we certainly have that painful awareness of the advantages enjoyed by another, especially when we look at families that maybe don't have children with special needs. A lot of times we're struggling with the awareness of moms who seem to have it easier than we do, or we think they do. Some struggles are not always as obvious. As we compare our situation with another's, we might feel like we got the short end of the stick. 

(3:03) So what are some instances that you struggled with jealousy? Can I just be honest here and share a few of my own? These are some instances when I've really struggled with these feelings. In the early days, it's when I was pregnant but it was after our son's diagnosis. I was jealous over other pregnant moms' blissful ignorance to the world of prenatal diagnosis, and all the fear that comes with that, all the dread, not being able to be excited about the birth of my child. Then I've had jealousy and envy over milestones that he didn't reach. I would compare my son with other children, and especially within the same diagnosis, and I would think my situation is so much worse than theirs. Maybe we couldn't talk because he had a trach. My baby couldn't eat by mouth. He was hooked up to a ventilator 24 seven in those early days. And so it seemed like even though my son had Spina Bifida, other families that had babies with the same diagnosis born around the same time, didn't have the same struggles and I wanted my life to be easier. As he's gotten older, I've also struggled with the seeming ease that other parents have when they watch their child drive, go off to college, or think about being an empty nester. I struggle because I don't know if our son will be able to do those things. I'm not sure if he'll be able to drive or go off to college, or live independently. I have an awareness that my situation seems worse than theirs. What are some situations that you encounter? It seems like other people's advantages, or what other people are going through seems better or easier than your own situation? Is it a family who doesn't struggle with food allergies or a terminal diagnosis? Maybe it's actually people whose disabilities are more evident, and you wonder what it would be like not to have to constantly explain your child's condition to others. When all of it comes down to it, I think it's about comparison. When I look at my situation, or when you look at your situation compared to someone else's, do you determine that it is harder or easier. So comparison sometimes has a negative connotation, and I really don't think it's always negative. We use comparison on a daily basis when we're shopping, purchasing things, parenting. We compare different parenting styles and then choose one over another. When we begin to think someone else's circumstances might be easier, it can be easy to fall into that hole of despair, fear, doubt and self pity. I have to admit that I really struggle with this because I forget that other people's struggles are not always obvious. You can't always determine that by glancing at the public. 

(5:59) So what are some ways that we can deal with these feelings of jealousy, or wanting what someone else has? Discontent? The first way is grieving. I hate to sound like a broken record here, but you're going to hear me say this over and over again because you still have to grieve those moments when you realize that your child is different. Maybe they're not reaching the same milestones. Maybe your fight is hard. Your pain is still your pain, and I don't want you to let anyone minimize that. It is difficult when your child doesn't keep up with his or her peers, reach those milestones, or have those advantages. It is hard when you're dealing with a life that is different than you had imagined or hoped for or planned for. It is important for you to pour out your heart to God. The more we can be honest with him about our situation, the closer He is to us. That relationship is built on honesty and trust, and it is important for us to limit our hardness and the pain of our circumstances. 

(7:07) The second way that I have learned to deal with these feelings of jealousy is to positively compare. So I mentioned this earlier, but I do believe that there is a positive comparison and a negative comparison. In negative comparison we focus on all the ways that our situation is worse than someone else's, all the ways that we're at a disadvantage, and that can sink us into more despair and pain. II Corinthians 10:5 says, "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." The verse right before that says, "That the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but have divine power to destroy strongholds." One stronghold that I have struggled with is that negative comparison, just constantly evaluating other family situations, and believing that they have it easier or that they can't possibly understand my heart situation. Is it true that life is hard? Yes. Is it true that being a special needs parent is difficult? Yes. I never want to minimize our trials. But God is still God, and He can be leaned on and trusted. So as the Holy Spirit has been allowed to work and change my mindset about those negative thoughts in my head, I've had to learn to let the power of the Holy Spirit destroy those arguments, and to bring my thoughts captive, and instead use positive comparison. Positive comparison is assuming the best and is looking at other people's hard situations, and first of all, to see them as image bearers of Christ, that they are people too, and that they are probably struggling. They might need a friend, a smile, or some prayers. When you're out in public, or on social media, and you see someone whose life seems easier than your own, remember that their struggles may not be obvious. They might be fighting battles that you don't know anything about. When those feelings of jealousy arrive, ask God to show you how they are created in God's image, and how you can be thankful for your own situation. Positive comparison also means that you're looking at other people's situations, and maybe you feel like they're harder than yours. I do this when I read about missionaries, or stories of people who lived through concentration camps and in World War II. Just recently, I read a book about a family that was split by the Berlin Wall at the end of World War II between East and West Germany. When I read about their hard situations, I felt like mine is so much easier.  Instead of focusing on labeling it as easier or harder, I try to look at their courage, their perseverance, their deepened faith, or other positive things that can inspire me. So think about that in situations that might seem harder than yours. What can you take from their situation that gives you courage, and allows you to face your trials in your hard situations with some of the same character. When we can positively compare and see how someone else trusted God in really hard things that can give us great strength. 

(10:19) The third way that I happen to deal with feelings of jealousy is to remember my child's source of worth. This is going to apply both to your child and to you. My guest this summer, Ellie Sanazaro says "That we are wonderfully, masterfully, and purposely created in God's image." Sometimes I know I can get so obsessed with making my child normal, that I lose sight of their personhood. I can focus so much on what we have to do: more therapy, more schoolwork, so they can look better, do better and succeed in life, that I'm not really focusing and living in relationship, but my son has just become a project to fix. Your child's worth does not come from checking all those boxes in those surveys from school, or on what they can accomplish, or what they can do. How often have you heard that question? But what can your child do? They have been created in the image of God, and they have so much value. Maybe when you get asked that question, answer it about who your child is, and who they are in Christ. If you need those reminders of who you are, and who your child is in Christ, go back and listen to Episode 40, where Sara gives us those amazing reminders. 

(11:39) Lastly, I just want to encourage you to stay in your own lane. When you're staying in your lane, you're looking at how God created your child in your family, and asking him what he wants you to do with your own situation. It's comparing your child to only your child and thanking God for all he has worked in him or her both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Maybe your child is nonverbal, and so this can sometimes be more difficult to see that evidence, but ask God to show you. Look at your own situation and ask yourself these questions. How has your child grown? What delights you about them? How have they changed? What about you? What have you learned? How have you changed? What character has God brought forth in you? When I focus on the positive, and I look at all the things that I have to be grateful for, and all the things that we have overcome through these hard circumstances, I am encouraged, positively uplifted. I realize what a blessing that my son's diagnosis has been in our lives. I remember that God has a plan. I want you to know that God has a plan, he can be trusted, and he's calling you to live out your life in faith and trust. 

(12:55) In closing, I want to encourage you with Philippians 4. Sometimes it seems that we look at this chapter and we just pull out single verses about not being anxious, giving things and how we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. That is great. But I want you to hear the encouraging verses, all together, as a prayer over you. So you will remember how he supplies your needs, and how you can be content in your circumstances. "Rejoice in the Lord always again, I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving. let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there's anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being a need, for I've learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I've learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen. The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.

(15:07) Thank you so much for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is that your heart will be encouraged. We are grateful that you are walking on this journey with us. Be sure to subscribe to our monthly newsletter @takeheartspecialmoms.com. Follow us on our social media pages on Instagram or Facebook @takeheartspecialmoms. Do you have any questions or comments? Follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Thank you for listening, and listen in next week as Sara shares her thoughts on jealousy.