Take Heart

Creating Opportunities For Connection

• Amy J Brown, Carrie Holt and Sara Clime • Season 2 • Episode 68

Share episode

It can be difficult when our children with special needs are rejected and don’t have many friends. Today, Carrie shares some practical tips for creating those opportunities for connection and an important reminder that Jesus understands rejection, and He is with you in your heartache.

January 11, 2022; Ep. 68

Timestamps & Key Topics:

  • 0:18-    Intro
  • 1:37-    Rejection
  • 4:04-    Jesus Knows
  • 6:08-    Pray For a Friend
  • 7:06-    Make Investments
  • 7:43-    Make It Happen
  • 8:42-    Let Go of Control
  • 9:31-    Let Go of Expectations
  • 12:02-  Never Alone
  • 12:54- Outro

Episode Links & Resources:

  • Scripture mentioned: Isaiah 53:3; 41:10, 13, & 14b

If you enjoyed our podcast, please...

Carrie M Holt  0:18  
Welcome to Take Heart where our goal is to offer encouragement, give hope and insight, so you can flourish and your journey as a special needs mom. As we explore monthly themes share inspiring stories and practical tips, our desire is to continue to serve you and your listeners. You are missing out if you don't subscribe to our monthly newsletter, which releases the last day of the month. It always includes a Spotify playlist and a monthly prayer around our theme for the month. We could also use your help at the beginning of 2022. If you listen to our podcast via an Apple device, we are so close to having 50 reviews, could you do us a favor and leave us a review? This allows our podcast to be shared with more listeners. Also, another way you can help us is by sharing this podcast with other people. The more reviews we have, the more visibility we have. Lastly, did you know that we also have a full transcript of all of our episodes? These are on our website under the episodes tab. If you prefer reading to listening, or know someone who does, the full transcript is available for you. You can find that at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com/episodes. 
Amy, Sara, and I want to thank you for joining us today. 

(1:37)  Hi there, Happy 2022! Happy New Year. This month in January, we are talking about loneliness. It really isn't that fun of a topic, but I do feel like it's something that we all struggle with. During the dreary days of the winter, when it's dark and the sun isn't out, at least in the midwest, we tend to feel more lonely and depressed. But today, I want to talk a little bit about what you do when your child is lonely, or when your child doesn't have friends. One time, a long time ago when our son was little, we were at an eye appointment. There were all these toys in the doctor's office because frankly, it took the ophthalmologist forever to see patients; you waited for a long time. Then of course, once your kid's eyes were dilated, you had to wait even longer. I remember our son was probably I don't know, four or five, he hadn't been talking for very long, because he has a trach and a bunch of little kids were playing together. I watched him wheel up in his tiny wheelchair with his tiny hands, and ask some child if he could play with them. I remember feeling so proud of Toby for doing this, but then my mama's heart felt crushed as this little child ran away from him to his mother and wouldn't play with Toby. Nothing can bring the mama bear out in us like our kids getting rejected. More than likely that child just had never seen a little boy in a wheelchair, and he just felt scared. You know what? I was tempted to claw that mom's eyes out because she didn't use the opportunity for a chance to teach her son about kids who are different and to accept them the way that they are. Now, maybe you've had a similar experience, or you have felt that anger and righteous indignation rise up in you. I know this isn't something that happens just once to our children, it happens multiple times. And it's much worse when your child knows that they're being rejected, and they are feeling lonely. It makes you feel lonely too as a mom because we take on our kids' emotions. 

(4:04)  First of all, I want to talk about the spiritual today. God created us for community and rejection hurts, and no one felt rejection like Jesus. As I was preparing for this podcast, I came across this verse in Isaiah, and I had read it before many times, and the words may even be familiar to you. But this was something that stuck out to me so greatly during this time of preparation and it says this. "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not." Again, I have probably read that verse hundreds of times, and I even have it partly memorized and maybe you do too, but it did not hit me just like it did when I was writing this podcast, especially the part that says he was one from whom men hide their faces. Maybe your child has a craniofacial disorder. Maybe they're in a wheelchair, or they look different, but maybe their disability is not as obvious, and it's their behavior, or it's a mental health issue that causes others to hide their faces or themselves from them. I pray that this verse is a comfort to you, because Jesus knows your pain. Jesus knows their pain. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. As we've just come out of the Christmas season, again, I'm so grateful that we do not have a high priest that cannot sympathize with our weaknesses. I'm paraphrasing Hebrews, by the way, but he does. He knows because he lived as a man on earth, and he was rejected. Men hid their faces from him, and he knows the grief in your heart right now, Mama, and he wants to draw you closer to him. 

(6:08) So let's now get practical. Today, we're talking about friends and loneliness for your child, and some of these can apply to you too, as a mom, but let's focus on your child. The first thing seems very obvious, but pray for your child to have a good friend. I can remember being in college, and I went to a private Christian college, and the president of the college told us in one of our first days of chapel, don't assume just because you are in a Christian environment, that you are going to have good friends and that you're going to have good Christian friends. He encouraged us to pray for a good friend. I can tell you, it's been over 20 years since I've been in college, and I still have a couple of friends from college, who have been by me these last 20 years. So pray for your child to have a good friend. 

(7:06)  Second, is to focus on finding just one or two good friends. I think sometimes we feel like our kids just have to have this huge group of people that need to be around them, or that they have to be really popular. Instead, invest in those who want to invest in your child. And the parents who also get it and understand, those who are making initiations. Don't be afraid to make those connections and to ask for those connections - to be friends with the parents also, as you're hoping that their child will also be a friend to your friend. 

(7:43)  Number three, is sometimes you just have to make it happen. This is so hard, and I know because we have to fight for so many things for our child. We have to advocate, and I just want to say I know it stinks, but sometimes we are the ones who are going to have to make the accommodations to make our child be less lonely. As special needs mamas I know you know how to get it done, so sometimes you just have to make it happen. You have to set up the playdates. You have to text the parents. You have to host. You have to be an educator. Maybe it's time and you're ready to let your child go over to somebody else's house, and you need to teach that other family that you have a ramp that you can get your child into their house. So sometimes you just have to make it happen and be the advocate for your child. It seems like it should be easy with friendship, but I know it's not. Number three is sometimes we just have to make it happen. 

(8:42) Number four is letting go of control. This just means that friendship between your child and another child might not look exactly like you think it's going to. Maybe all they do is play video games, or maybe they are only doing one focused task for several hours. It might feel like it's just really one-sided, but let your child be the guide. If they feel like this other child is a friend to them, then don't read into what isn't there. Sometimes we have this idea as adults of what friendship should look like, and they should be having these meaningful conversations, and they should be able to connect on all these levels, but maybe it's just Legos. That's the only thing that can connect your child to another friend. Let it be that and let go of control. 

(9:31)  Fifthly and this kind of goes along with the fourth thing is just to let go of our expectations. Sometimes we think that friendship should only be with kids of the same age. One thing that I've learned through homeschooling is my children have learned how to have relationships with children of varying ages: adults, older teenagers, younger children. Maybe it's a mentor who has a healthy relationship with your child. Honestly, to our son, everyone really is a friend, the therapist that he's had through the years, the nurses that we've had in the hospital, our home nurses. Obviously, make sure the relationship is appropriate, but if your child is mentally on a little bit of a lower level, it's okay for them when it's appropriate to be playing with kids who are younger or maybe, for kids who are older. I have found that the age that my child is at right now, kids his age just don't really get it. They're in that weird middle school puberty thing going on, and actually, he tends to have better relationships with kids who are older, who are older teenagers, and who can understand and empathize, and who are not so closed in by their own little boxes. They're actually starting to look outside themselves, and they're not quite as selfish. Again, pray for wisdom in this. I'm not saying to put your child into danger or to have your 17-year-old playing with a three-year-old. Just know that friendship can look very different. It doesn't always have to be kids of the same age. So one of the places that we have found some common ground and some friendships with has been through adaptive sports. So maybe you need to focus on an adaptive sport or a club, or it's through horses or through therapy or through different kinds of organizations. Some of the organizations that I know about have been buddy ball, Miracle League Baseball, wheelchair soccer, and my son plays sled hockey. We also have a blind Hockey League in our area and wheelchair basketball. Also just having a service dog can be a way, an avenue, for your child to meet people and find some common ground and some friends. Those are just some practical ways, some practical ideas for helping your child not be lonely. 

(12:02)  I want to close with these thoughts from Isaiah. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I, the LORD your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not. I am the one who helps you." I am the one who helps you declares the LORD; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel." I pray that these words from Isaiah comfort you that you are not alone, your child is not alone. I am praying for you today to find true relationship. 

(12:54)  Thank you for joining us this week on Take Heart. Our prayer each week is for your heart to be encouraged. We're so grateful you're walking on this journey with us. Don't forget to subscribe to our monthly newsletter at www.takeheartspecialmoms.com, and follow us on Instagram or Facebook. If you have any questions or comments, please follow the links in our show notes. We love hearing from our listeners. Thank you for listening and listen in next week, as Sara is going to share her thoughts on loneliness.